I wrote this for some friends and family, and then decided you guys are "friends and family".
Not that long ago, I was ten feet tall and bullet proof, had reflexes like a rattle snake, and the stamina to take me through almost anything imaginable. As a police officer working for a force that deals with the toughest men our military could produce I never lost a fight, even against men who were trained to be the best. As I started to age, I became pretty adept at "talking down" those guys too. At work they called me "the Crazy Whisperer" because I could talk them down. There was a reason I could do that......I understood them. The reason I tell you this is so you will understand that I was strong and took pride in it.....now not so much. Now I find myself an old man, with physical problems, and not much use to anyone, unable to take the stress of seeing my family falling apart and my wife possibly dying. Now I feel useless!
One aspect of what I was that a lot of you do not know is that I was slightly crazy.....yeah I was. Joyce would tell you that she could see me change when I put on the uniform and gear, I became a much different person then. And when I came home and took it off, I immediately changed again. I did this to protect my family from seeing or knowing what I did.....but it was Joyce who made it possible, because she taught me to love and to care. Those of you who have known me for many years, know that I was not a very good person when I was younger. I was a little bit crazy even then and I hurt a lot of people because I really did not know how to care for and love others.
Joyce came into my life at a critical point, I was at a turning point where I could have gone way too far in hurting others. And I was a mess of anger and hatred for the world around me. She saw this and she stepped in and saved me from myself. At first we were just friends, we talked, we spent time together discussing the world around us, and our wants and desires in life. She taught me that other people are more important than ourselves and that the best feeling in life is being good to others and being honest about everything. Then I began to understand what love really is......and I loved her!!!! Some how I talked her into marrying me, and life became a dream world. And it kept getting better every day! She gave me our sons and my heart nearly bursts with pride when I am around them. Our oldest turned out to be autistic.......doesn't matter! She also taught him to love and deal with the world.
Like every family, it has not been all rainbows and roses, We've had our hard spots, When I had my stroke and later when I had my heart attacks, she held us together, she even did cardiac rehab with me, walking all those miles at my side until I could be the warrior I wanted to be again.
However, a couple of years ago I began to realize that I was aging out of that part of my life, but I didn't want to face up to not being a warrior. Once again it was my Angel Joyce who showed me that I didn't have to just quit. So I stepped down and took a different kind of work.....and I was ok. With her at my side I could face anything.
Now, she is fighting for her life and I can't do anything but watch. She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer last week, and things have gone down hill rather quickly. And this type of cancer has one of the lowest survival rates......one does not walk away from this beast.
This has also taken an enormous toll on my family. The other night I stayed at the hospital, 50 miles from home, because I cannot drive in the dark due to my current health issues. Our youngest son, who appeared to be coping pretty well, lost it and made some foolish statements that lead to him being taken to the hospital......almost 200 miles from home because there no beds available locally. I wasn't there when he needed me.....DAMMIT! And I can't cope with both crisis, it's just too much for me now, with my health issues in the mix!
The only plus visible right now, is my job. I can't work with this stuff on my shoulders. A few years ago I could have, but no longer.......I am old, and pretty much useless. However, my chief has said I can take all the time I need to deal with this.
Gotta take powder on y'all for a while, got an appointment . I may or may not return to this but right now I can't. Please pray for Joyce!