Coming Apart - Graybeard Outdoors
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post #1 of 14 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 08:25 PM Thread Starter
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Quote Modify I wrote this for some friends and family, and then decided you guys are "friends and family".

Not that long ago, I was ten feet tall and bullet proof, had reflexes like a rattle snake, and the stamina to take me through almost anything imaginable. As a police officer working for a force that deals with the toughest men our military could produce I never lost a fight, even against men who were trained to be the best. As I started to age, I became pretty adept at "talking down" those guys too. At work they called me "the Crazy Whisperer" because I could talk them down. There was a reason I could do that......I understood them. The reason I tell you this is so you will understand that I was strong and took pride in it.....now not so much. Now I find myself an old man, with physical problems, and not much use to anyone, unable to take the stress of seeing my family falling apart and my wife possibly dying. Now I feel useless!
One aspect of what I was that a lot of you do not know is that I was slightly crazy.....yeah I was. Joyce would tell you that she could see me change when I put on the uniform and gear, I became a much different person then. And when I came home and took it off, I immediately changed again. I did this to protect my family from seeing or knowing what I did.....but it was Joyce who made it possible, because she taught me to love and to care. Those of you who have known me for many years, know that I was not a very good person when I was younger. I was a little bit crazy even then and I hurt a lot of people because I really did not know how to care for and love others.
Joyce came into my life at a critical point, I was at a turning point where I could have gone way too far in hurting others. And I was a mess of anger and hatred for the world around me. She saw this and she stepped in and saved me from myself. At first we were just friends, we talked, we spent time together discussing the world around us, and our wants and desires in life. She taught me that other people are more important than ourselves and that the best feeling in life is being good to others and being honest about everything. Then I began to understand what love really is......and I loved her!!!! Some how I talked her into marrying me, and life became a dream world. And it kept getting better every day! She gave me our sons and my heart nearly bursts with pride when I am around them. Our oldest turned out to be autistic.......doesn't matter! She also taught him to love and deal with the world.
Like every family, it has not been all rainbows and roses, We've had our hard spots, When I had my stroke and later when I had my heart attacks, she held us together, she even did cardiac rehab with me, walking all those miles at my side until I could be the warrior I wanted to be again.
However, a couple of years ago I began to realize that I was aging out of that part of my life, but I didn't want to face up to not being a warrior. Once again it was my Angel Joyce who showed me that I didn't have to just quit. So I stepped down and took a different kind of work.....and I was ok. With her at my side I could face anything.
Now, she is fighting for her life and I can't do anything but watch. She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer last week, and things have gone down hill rather quickly. And this type of cancer has one of the lowest survival rates......one does not walk away from this beast.
This has also taken an enormous toll on my family. The other night I stayed at the hospital, 50 miles from home, because I cannot drive in the dark due to my current health issues. Our youngest son, who appeared to be coping pretty well, lost it and made some foolish statements that lead to him being taken to the hospital......almost 200 miles from home because there no beds available locally. I wasn't there when he needed me.....DAMMIT! And I can't cope with both crisis, it's just too much for me now, with my health issues in the mix!
The only plus visible right now, is my job. I can't work with this stuff on my shoulders. A few years ago I could have, but no longer.......I am old, and pretty much useless. However, my chief has said I can take all the time I need to deal with this.
...
Gotta take powder on y'all for a while, got an appointment . I may or may not return to this but right now I can't. Please pray for Joyce!

"The liar who charms and disarms and wreaths himself in artifice is too agreeable to be called a demon. So we adopt the word "candidate"." Brooke McEldowney

"When a dog has bitten ten kids I have trouble believing he would make a good childs companion just because he now claims he is a good dog and doesn't bite. How's that for a "parable"?"....ME
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post #2 of 14 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 08:56 PM
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C.C. Prayers will be going up each day for you and yours. Your story straight from the heart is a wonderful example for us all of not only strength and dedication but of the deep love within your family. Thank you much for sharing with us . Your words sure make me want to hug my family about now. May God bless, carry, and comfort your loving wife and each of you each step of life's journey. Prayers always...

Enjoy each day and live fully and honorably.
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post #3 of 14 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 11:56 PM
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Wow Cuts, I am sorry to hear it. There are no words I can say that will make it all right but you're in my thoughts and prayers.

Hang in there Pard. You have a big hurdle to get over right now. You are on my Prayer list.



If I can be of some help, PM me.

or else...................

God Bless America and Donald Trump !
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post #4 of 14 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 11:47 PM
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Prayers inbound.
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post #5 of 14 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 10:21 AM
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Bump!

or else...................

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post #6 of 14 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 10:25 AM
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We may have little in common on this board but I am so sorry to hear.
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post #7 of 14 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 10:30 PM
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Cuts Crooked, my prayers are with you brother. I had 32.5 years "behind the badge" myself. My beloved wife Marti, gone just a couple days short of 4 years and 2 months ago also told me many times, as your beloved Joyce told you, that I changed as I got suited up to go to work. Marti told me as I got into uniform I was a different person. I never saw it of course, our wives being stronger and smarter than us. My wonderful children, a beautiful son and daughter, also knew when I was in work mode, and they did not like it. I now think it may have frightened them to see daddy in work mode, which they did on a couple of occasions. I know they felt safe when I was around but would rather have happy dad than working dad around.
I will pray for Joyce, for you, for your son, and for the rest of your family tonight. Take faith in our Lord, my friend. HE is there for us all, always. A police officer's wife has a much more difficult job than her husband, and we love them more for who they are and because they put up with us and love us. They are the strong ones, may God help you all...turn to him, He is there for you, always.


Andy...aka...MSP Ret....<><....

"Giving up your gun to someone else on demand is called surrender. It means that you have given up your ability to protect yourself to a power that is greater than you." - David Yeagley
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post #8 of 14 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 11:11 PM
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Hey Cuts Crooked, how you doing brother? Check in so we know how you are holding out. We are here for you my friend....<><....

"Giving up your gun to someone else on demand is called surrender. It means that you have given up your ability to protect yourself to a power that is greater than you." - David Yeagley
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post #9 of 14 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 11:23 PM Thread Starter
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Coping day by day.........Joyce was sent home to recuperate (meaning insurance wouldn't pay anymore) then she got worse and had to be readmitted. Another surgery is scheduled for tomorrow .

"The liar who charms and disarms and wreaths himself in artifice is too agreeable to be called a demon. So we adopt the word "candidate"." Brooke McEldowney

"When a dog has bitten ten kids I have trouble believing he would make a good childs companion just because he now claims he is a good dog and doesn't bite. How's that for a "parable"?"....ME
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post #10 of 14 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 11:26 PM
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i'm sorry to hear of this.
prayers from here

The United States doesn't have a gun control problem.
We have a people control problem.

Honor the Texas flag;I pledge allegiance to thee, Texas,
one state under God, one and indivisible.
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