Laugh for the day. - Page 114 - Graybeard Outdoors
 
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post #1131 of 3532 (permalink) Old 04-15-2018, 12:12 AM Thread Starter
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The calif D.O.T found over 200 dead crows on on Calif hwys recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws.
By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. T
he Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"

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post #1132 of 3532 (permalink) Old 04-16-2018, 03:45 AM Thread Starter
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If you give three liberals a light bulb what would happen?
The first one would say its causing global warming.
The second one would say its racist.
The third one would say its not a light bulb unless Obama says let there be light.

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post #1133 of 3532 (permalink) Old 04-16-2018, 09:42 PM Thread Starter
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President Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht. The Pope accepted and during lunch a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's hat off, right into the water.
It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place. You gotta love it!! The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it,
when Trump waved them off, saying, "Never mind boys, I'll get it." Then Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up,
walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht, and handed the Pope his hat. The crew was speechless. • The security team and the Pope's entourage were speechless. •
No one knew what to say, not even the Pope. But that afternoon, ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN, MSNBC reported: “"TRUMP CAN'T SWIM"

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post #1134 of 3532 (permalink) Old 04-17-2018, 03:33 PM Thread Starter
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Little Johnny's father asked for report card.
Johnny replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

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post #1135 of 3532 (permalink) Old 04-18-2018, 03:55 AM Thread Starter
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Q: Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
A: Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they'd all say: "Bach, Bach, Bach."

I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it!
You never know when you might need a nail.

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post #1136 of 3532 (permalink) Old 04-19-2018, 02:56 AM Thread Starter
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A shopkeeper was dismayed when a store opened next door with a huge sign that said, BEST DEALS!”
To make things worse, another store opened on the other side with a huge sign reading “LOWEST PRICES!”
He nearly panicked until he had the idea to put up his own sign, bigger that the other two, that read, “MAIN ENTRANCE.”

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #1137 of 3532 (permalink) Old 04-19-2018, 02:58 AM Thread Starter
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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL!
Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter.
Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.
You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."


The best way to make somebody remember you is to borrow money from them.

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post #1138 of 3532 (permalink) Old 04-19-2018, 03:29 AM Thread Starter
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Q: What do cows most like to read? A: Cattle-logs.

Q: Why was the little strawberry crying? A: His mom was in a jam.

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post #1139 of 3532 (permalink) Old 04-20-2018, 01:10 AM Thread Starter
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After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. Corona's president sits down and says,
"Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. Then Budweiser's president says,
"I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world,
the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

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post #1140 of 3532 (permalink) Old 04-21-2018, 01:50 AM Thread Starter
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Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and
a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bill looks around the room and
sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey,
breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and
the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Bill asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says,
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway,
and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Bill asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean,
and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and
when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!"

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