Laugh for the day. - Page 164 - Graybeard Outdoors
 
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post #1631 of 3280 (permalink) Old 12-13-2018, 09:59 AM
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PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY DEAD AT 71
It is with the saddest heart I pass on the following. Please join me in remembering a great icon. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch.
The grave site was piled high with flours.
Long-time friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was never considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, even still he was a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions
.
Toward the end, it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he had reached his expiration date.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes
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post #1632 of 3280 (permalink) Old 12-13-2018, 10:03 AM
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Went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
The nurse started with certain basics. “How much do you weigh?” she asked.
“150,” I said. The nurse put me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 190.
The nurse asked, “Your height?””5 foot 7,” I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5′ 4″
She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.
“Of course it’s high!” I screamed, ‘When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I’m short and fat!”
She put me on Prozac. What a b***h!
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post #1633 of 3280 (permalink) Old 12-13-2018, 10:06 AM
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Finally, the old-timer picked up courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?”
After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, “Yes, yes I will!”
The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled. Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?” He couldn’t remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall.
He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her response.
With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her.
First, he explained that he couldn’t remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did you say “No?”
“Why you silly man I said, ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart.”
The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.
Then she continued. “And I am so glad you called because I couldn’t remember who asked me!”
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post #1634 of 3280 (permalink) Old 12-13-2018, 10:29 AM
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A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.
The young man lowers his window . “Uh, yes, officer?”
The cop says: “What are you doing?”
The young man says: “Well, Officer, I’m reading a magazine.”
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?”
The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.”
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover’s lane….and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: “What’s your age, young man?”
The young man says : “I’m 22, sir.”
The cop asks: “And her what’s her age?”
The young man looks at his watch and replies: ” She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”
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post #1635 of 3280 (permalink) Old 12-13-2018, 10:31 AM
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Some friends of mine and I were making out our bucket lists… The conversation turned to who would do the craziest thing on the lists …..so I volunteered to go to an Asian Massage parlor and get a happy ending.
I took a hundred bucks out of the ATM… drove to the nearest massage parlor, walked in and told the manager. ” Look lady, I am 40 years old… and I just made out my bucket list… this place is on it and I want a happy ending. Show me a happy ending”
She took my hundred bucks…walked out to her car….drove to my mother in laws house and shot her in the head.
Best Happy Ending Ever!
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post #1636 of 3280 (permalink) Old 12-13-2018, 11:45 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by land_owner View Post
A group of women were at a seminar on “How to live in a loving relationship with your husband.”
The women were asked, “How many of you love your husband?”
All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, “When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?”
Some women answered today, some yesterday, some couldn’t remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband:
“I love you, sweetheart.”
The women were then told to exchange phones and to read aloud the text message responses.
Here are some of the replies:
1. Who is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
3. I love you too.
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don’t understand what you mean?
6. What did you do now?
7. ?!?
8. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed we would not drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay, isn’t she??



pretty good stuff - still funny even if most of them are true!
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post #1637 of 3280 (permalink) Old 12-13-2018, 12:43 PM
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They are all TRUE as are these:


SOME REALLY COOL DEFINITIONS
Life Insurance:
A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.
Nurse:
A person who wakes you up to give you sleeping pills.
Marriage:
It’s an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.
Divorce:
Future tense of Marriage.
Tears:
The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower
Lecture:
An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either
Conference:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Conference Room:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Compromise:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Dictionary:
A place where success comes before work.
Father:
A banker provided by nature.
Criminal:
A guy no different from the rest….except that he got caught.
Boss:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician:
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
Classic:
Books, which people praise, but do not read.
Smile:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn:
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc.:
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee:
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience:
The name men give to their mistakes.
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post #1638 of 3280 (permalink) Old 12-13-2018, 12:56 PM
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British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” Londoners have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Surrender” and “Collaborate.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability.
It’s not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
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post #1639 of 3280 (permalink) Old 12-13-2018, 01:40 PM
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Rofl

Go Donald Go!!
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post #1640 of 3280 (permalink) Old 12-13-2018, 01:53 PM
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Life as a small town/rural kid growing up in Saskatchewan….
Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down.
Tough sumbich !
That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazard fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place
One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten old stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (‘ether’). The light bulb went off in my head.
I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner. Let’s face it, to a 10 yr. old mouth-breather like myself, ether really doesn’t “sound” flammable.
So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles).
At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the ether can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie, a 1 lb. pyrodex pile and a can of ether should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know.
You know what. Screw that; I’m going back in the house for the other can.
Yes, I got a second can of pyrodex and dumped it too. Now we’re cookin’.
I stepped back about 15 ft. and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and took aim. As I released I heard a clunk as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck… OH SHOOT! He just got home from work. So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of pyrodex and into the can. Oh shoot.
When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don’t know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 fricking decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1 ft above the ground as far as I could see. It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a worm or two.
The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this… THE FRICKING DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE..
There was a big poplar tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said “was”. That sumbich got up and ran off.
So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my Riders T-Shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback: ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOU’RE BRINGIN’ EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE. **** IT CEASE FIRE!!!!!
His hat has blown off and is 30 ft. behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000 ft. over our backyard. There is a Honda 185 3 wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires.
I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don’t know – I know I said something. I couldn’t hear. I couldn’t hear inside my own head. I don’t think he heard me either… not that it would really matter. I don’t remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later….repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR. and Dad screaming “Bring him back to life so I can kill him again”.
Thanks Mom.
One thing is for sure… I never had to mow around that stump again. Mom had been bitching about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business.
Dad sold his muzzle loader a week or so later. I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality, either from the blast or the beating, or both.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, get your kids into archery. It’s good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life
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