Laugh for the day. - Page 166 - Graybeard Outdoors
 
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post #1651 of 3541 (permalink) Old 12-14-2018, 07:10 AM
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A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by, what luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab.
“Perfect timing,” the cabby said. “You’re just like Bill.”
“Who?” asked the man.
“Bill Smith. There’s a guy who did everything right,” the cabby said. “Like my coming along when you needed a cab, it would have happened like that to Bill every time.”
“Nah,” the man said to the cabby. “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
“Not Bill,” said the cabby. “He was a terrific athlete, he could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros, he sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star.”
“Bill was really something, huh?”
“Oh, yeah,” continued the cabby. “Bill had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody’s birthday, he knew all about wine, which fork to eat with, he could fix anything.
“Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out.”
“No wonder you remember him,” the man said.
“Well, I never actually met Bill,” said the cabby.
“Then how in the world do you know so much about him?”
“I married his widow,” replied the cabby.
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post #1652 of 3541 (permalink) Old 12-14-2018, 07:22 AM
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Tim decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt. His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks. “Honey, I’ve been thinking, now that we are married I think it’s time you quit hunting, shooting, hand-loading ammo, and fishing.
Maybe you should sell your guns and boat”.
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, “Darling, what’s wrong?”
”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
“Ex-wife!”, she screams, “I didn’t know you were married before!”
”I wasn’t “
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post #1653 of 3541 (permalink) Old 12-14-2018, 10:19 AM
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A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.
“Did you smell that food?” she asked. “Incredible!”
Being a ‘Kind Hearted Scotsman’, he thought, “What the heck…, I’ll treat her!”
So, they walked past it again…
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post #1654 of 3541 (permalink) Old 12-14-2018, 10:20 AM
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I was visiting my son last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
‘This is the 21st century, he said. ‘I don’t waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.’
I can tell you this, that **** fly never knew what hit him.
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post #1655 of 3541 (permalink) Old 12-14-2018, 10:28 AM
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At the wedding reception someone yelled,
“Would all the married men, please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.”
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
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post #1656 of 3541 (permalink) Old 12-14-2018, 10:37 AM
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Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son…
Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : “I will choose my own bride”.
Jack: “But the girl is Bill Gates’ daughter.”
Son : “Well, in that case…”
Next Jack approaches Bill Gates…
Jack: “I have a husband for your daughter.”
Bill Gates : “But my daughter is too young to marry.”
Jack: “But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.”
Bill Gates: “Ah, in that case…”
Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank…
Jack: “I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.”
President: “But I already have more vice-presidents than I need.”
Jack: “But this young man is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.”
President: “Ah, in that case…..”
You see? This is how business is done.
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post #1657 of 3541 (permalink) Old 12-15-2018, 12:54 AM Thread Starter
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A blind man was seen waiting at a street corner with his guide dog. After a short wait the dog started leading the blind man across the street against the red light.

First a car comes screeching to a halt inches away from him, but still the dog leads on, then a bicyclist almost wipes them out and curses as he goes by.
Finally in the last lane a truck swerves and barely misses them.

After they reach the far corner the blind man reaches in his pocket and pulls out a cookie and offers it to the guide dog.
At this point another person who has watched the entire episode interrupts asking why he was rewarding the dog
after the dog had endangered his life and almost got him run over by a car, bicycle and truck.

The blind man responded: "I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find out which end is his head so I can kick him in the butt."

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #1658 of 3541 (permalink) Old 12-15-2018, 11:31 PM Thread Starter
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Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down.
You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.
"Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asketh the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Minnesota."

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #1659 of 3541 (permalink) Old 12-15-2018, 11:33 PM Thread Starter
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Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
The husband says "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits.
And then tells his wife. We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.
And then goes to the Jewelry department and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited(she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care).
She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it."
The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says, "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."
The husband says," no - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank.
"No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the Husband says "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!"

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #1660 of 3541 (permalink) Old 12-16-2018, 11:59 PM Thread Starter
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An old farmer in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely; picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and
they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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