Laugh for the day. - Page 204 - Graybeard Outdoors
 
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post #2031 of 2129 (permalink) Old 04-25-2019, 10:04 AM
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Here’s my donation
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History in the making
MAGA
no longer just a political campaign theme/promise.
It is Reality 👍
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post #2032 of 2129 (permalink) Old 04-25-2019, 06:22 PM Thread Starter
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BEAUTY PARLOR
A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS
The only animal you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage.

INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN
A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET
A story you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES
Something other people have....similar to my character lines.

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2033 of 2129 (permalink) Old 04-26-2019, 12:18 AM Thread Starter
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Here is the situation:

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.
On your right side is a sharp drop-off.
On your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.
Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?


Answer......Get off the merry-go-round and go home; you've had enough excitement for one day...

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2034 of 2129 (permalink) Old 04-26-2019, 12:20 AM Thread Starter
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Signs That You Are Getting Old!

You sink your teeth in a steak and they stay there.

You turn off the lights for economical reasons, not romantic ones.

You read the obituaries to find eligible women.

Old ladies offer to help you cross the street.

Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work

College kids call you mister.

The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

A beautiful girl walks by and nothing happens.

After painting the town red, you need to take a long rest before applying a second coat.

It takes you all night to do what you used to do all night long.

You have all the answers but nobody is asking you the questions.

After climbing the ladder of success and reaching the top, you realize that it was leaning on the wrong wall.

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

The best part of the day is over when the alarm clock rings.

All the names in your little black book end with MD.

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2035 of 2129 (permalink) Old 04-26-2019, 05:42 PM
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That's waaaaaay too true!

Tom
Alabama Hunter and firearms safety instructor

I really like my handguns and Single shot rifles!
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post #2036 of 2129 (permalink) Old 04-26-2019, 10:09 PM Thread Starter
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MY CHRISTMAS WISH

Dear Santa.......
For 2019, I would like a fat bank account and a thin body.

PS .... Please don't mix it up like you did last year.

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2037 of 2129 (permalink) Old 04-26-2019, 10:15 PM Thread Starter
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Larry went to visit his 86 year old grandfather in a very rural area. After spending a great evening chatting the night away,
Larry’s grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon and eggs.

Larry noticed a film like substance on his place, and questioned his grandfather asking, “Are these plates clean?”

His grandfather replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal”.

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, Larry was concerned about the plates as it appeared to have tiny specks around t
he edge that looked like dried egg and asked, “Are you sure these plates are clean?”

Without looking up the old man said, “I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them.
Now don’t you worry, I don’t want to hear another word about it”.

Later that afternoon, as he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl, and wouldn’t let him pass.
Larry yelled and said, “Grandfather, your dog won’t let me get to my car”.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted,
‘COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN NOW, YEH HERE ME!!!”

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2038 of 2129 (permalink) Old 04-27-2019, 11:09 AM
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SEATS IN A FORD TRUCK...
I stopped by the Ford Dealership yesterday Austin , Texas for a look at the new 2019F-150..


Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive.



I wanted to sense that new truck "feel" before I get too old.



The salesperson (a nice looking lady wearinga 'RESIST' lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat next to me, describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options.



The seats were of particular interest.



She explained that the seats directed warm air



to your butt in the winter and directed cool air



to your butt in the summer heat.



Feeling like messing with her, I mentioned



that this must be a Republican truck.



Looking a bit angry, she asked why I



thought it was a Republican truck



"I explained that if it were a Democrat truck,



the seats would just blow smoke



up your ass year-round!"



I had to walk to town but it was worth it.












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post #2039 of 2129 (permalink) Old 04-28-2019, 01:13 AM Thread Starter
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Last Will and Testament

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him.

He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes. When all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses.”

"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier.”

"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center.”

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bay side on Blackwater Sound.”

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as they slip away, the nurse says:

"Mrs. Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.”

The wife replies:

"The jackass had a paper route."

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2040 of 2129 (permalink) Old 04-28-2019, 11:22 PM Thread Starter
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The meaning of opaque is unclear.

I wasn’t going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind.

Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time consuming.

A man tried to assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

If there was someone selling marijuana in our neighborhood, weed know about it.

It’s a lengthy article about ancient Japanese sword fighters but I can Sumurais it for you.

So what if I don’t know the meaning of the word ‘apocalypse’? It’s not the end of the world

The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester..

Alternative facts are aversion of the truth.

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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