Laugh for the day. - Page 214 - Graybeard Outdoors
 
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post #2131 of 3541 (permalink) Old 05-26-2019, 11:52 PM Thread Starter
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> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
> WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
> WITNESS: My name is Susan!
> ____________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> WITNESS: I forget..
> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
> ___________________________________________
>
>
> ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> ____________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
> WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
> ___________________________

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2132 of 3541 (permalink) Old 05-27-2019, 03:28 AM Thread Starter
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> ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> WITNESS: None.
> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
> ____________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
> WITNESS: By death..
> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> WITNESS: Take a guess.
> ____________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
> _____________________________________

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2133 of 3541 (permalink) Old 05-27-2019, 03:29 AM Thread Starter
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> ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
> WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
> _________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
> WITNESS: Oral..
> _________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
> WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
> __

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2134 of 3541 (permalink) Old 05-27-2019, 12:16 PM
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A man calls home to his wife and excitedly tells her he just checked his powerball ticket and its the big one!!!! 350 million!!! Wife asks are you pulling my leg? Guy says NO!!! Hurry and pack your bags!!! Wife asks for where? The mountains? The beach? Husband says i dont care just get the h+&$; out!!!!
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post #2135 of 3541 (permalink) Old 05-27-2019, 03:50 PM Thread Starter
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The police came by last night and told me that my dogs were chasing kids on bikes. My dogs don't ride bikes.

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2136 of 3541 (permalink) Old 05-27-2019, 06:41 PM Thread Starter
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An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and
had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved “I love you, Sally”.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and,
not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, We've got to give it back.
Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door.
Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?
Sally said, No.
Jerry said, Shes lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, Don't believe him, hes getting senile
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ...
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, Were outta here!

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2137 of 3541 (permalink) Old 05-28-2019, 03:00 AM Thread Starter
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I sent that 'Ancestory' site some information on my family tree.
They sent me back a pack of seeds and suggested that I just start over.

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2138 of 3541 (permalink) Old 05-28-2019, 04:40 PM Thread Starter
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A Kiwi and an Aussie go to a pastry shop.

The Kiwi whisks three biscuits into his pocket with such speed the baker doesn’t notice.

The Kiwi says to the Aussie: "You’ll never beat that!"

The Aussie says to the Kiwi: "Watch and learn!"

He says to the baker "Give me a biscuit, I'll show you a magic trick!"

The baker gives him the biscuit which the Aussie promptly eats.

Then he says to the baker: "Give me another biscuit for my magic trick."

The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.

Then he says again: "Give me one more biscuit."

The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway.

The Australian eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and yells: "Where's your famous magic trick?"

The Australian says: "Look in the Kiwi’s pocket! "

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2139 of 3541 (permalink) Old 05-29-2019, 12:32 AM Thread Starter
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There was a couple sleeping. The wife had a bad dream, she woke up scared and cried.

Her husband comforted her and asked why she cried, she replied: “I had a dream that a very rich and handsome man kidnapped me from you.”

Husband: “It is ok honey, it was just a dream.”

Wife responded loudly: “That's why I’m crying.”

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2140 of 3541 (permalink) Old 05-29-2019, 09:13 PM Thread Starter
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An 80-year old man walks into the doctor’s office for his regular check-up.

The doctor says to him, “Ahh, Ted, how are you feeling?”

“Great,” says the old man. “I have an 18-year old wife, and she’s pregnant with my child.”

The doctor gives a concerned look and says to Ted, “Ted, let me tell you a story. See, I have this hunter friend and one early morning,
he goes out hunting, but is in such a hurry that he grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So, as he is hunting, he spots a lion.
He aims at the lion with his umbrella and shoots at it. Bam! The lion falls dead to the ground.”

“What?!” cries the old man. “Why? that’s impossible! Someone else must have shot the lion.”

“Exactly!” says the doctor.

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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