Laugh for the day. - Page 235 - Graybeard Outdoors
 
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post #2341 of 3113 (permalink) Old 07-31-2019, 07:21 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rosewood View Post
Be careful now, some may consider that as racist....
I doubt the baboons care.

I may not be completely sane, but at least I don't think I have the power to influence the weather.
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post #2342 of 3113 (permalink) Old 07-31-2019, 09:35 PM
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or congress understands....

Tom
Alabama Hunter and firearms safety instructor

I really like my handguns and Single shot rifles!
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post #2343 of 3113 (permalink) Old 08-01-2019, 01:46 AM Thread Starter
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Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"Take your hands off the car or I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2344 of 3113 (permalink) Old 08-01-2019, 01:50 AM Thread Starter
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Sue reports for jury duty as ordered, and promptly asks to be excused because she believes she's prejudice.

"I took one look at those shifty eyes and that cheap polyester suit and I immediately knew that he was guilty as sin."

"Sit down," says the judge. "That's the prosecuting attorney."

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2345 of 3113 (permalink) Old 08-02-2019, 02:18 AM Thread Starter
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The flood of Trump-fearing American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified beginning right after the election yesterday morning.

Trumpís victory is prompting an exodus among left-leaning Americans

who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, pay taxes, and live according to the Constitution.

Canadian border residents say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, liberal arts majors, global-warming activists, and
"green" energy proponents crossing their fields at night.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield,
whose acreage borders North Dakota. "He was cold, exhausted and hungry, and begged me for a latte and some free-range chicken.

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them.
He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they just stuck their fingers in their ears and kept coming.
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals just south of the border,
pack them into electric cars, and drive them across the border, where they are simply left to fend for themselves after the battery dies.

"A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Alberta border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of Perrier water,
or any gemelli with shrimp and arugula. All they had was a little Napa Valley cabernet and some kale chips. When liberals are caught,
they're sent back across the border, often wailing that they fear persecution from Trump high-hairers.

Rumors are circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer, study the Constitution,
and find jobs that actually contribute to the economy.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage, are buying up all the Barbara Streisand CD's,
and are overloading the internet while downloading jazzercise apps to their cell phones.

"I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said.
"After all, how many art-history majors does one country need?"

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2346 of 3113 (permalink) Old 08-02-2019, 02:29 AM Thread Starter
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A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning.

"I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it's runny, and the other so over cooked, it's tough and hard to eat.
Also, grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife;
butter straight from the deep freeze, so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm."

"That's a complicated order, sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult."

The guest replied, "Oh, but that's what you gave me yesterday!"

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2347 of 3113 (permalink) Old 08-02-2019, 03:52 PM Thread Starter
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A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and
the owner read the card,.... "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake,
but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,...
'Congratulations on your new location!'"

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2348 of 3113 (permalink) Old 08-02-2019, 03:55 PM Thread Starter
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A lady was picking up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.

Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON LANE 13,TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE."
That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS."

In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2349 of 3113 (permalink) Old 08-02-2019, 03:56 PM Thread Starter
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A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.

She lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up.

The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife.

Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here!?!"

The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2350 of 3113 (permalink) Old 08-03-2019, 01:00 AM Thread Starter
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A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of John,
one of the older workmen. After several minutes, John had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding
that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."

Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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