Laugh for the day. - Page 262 - Graybeard Outdoors
 
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post #2611 of 3532 (permalink) Old 09-25-2019, 10:39 PM Thread Starter
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A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.

He replied, "She is called Five Horses".

The man said, "That's an unusual name for a wife.What does it mean?"

The Old Indian answered,"It is an old Indian name. It means ...."

"NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2612 of 3532 (permalink) Old 09-26-2019, 11:11 AM Thread Starter
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The psychiatrists were attending their first seminar on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the leader, "Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?"

"Elation."

"And you sir, how about the opposite of woe?"

Bubba replied, "I believe that would be giddyup."

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2613 of 3532 (permalink) Old 09-26-2019, 09:28 PM Thread Starter
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A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed.
The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the
justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job,
and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know,
I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose
when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2614 of 3532 (permalink) Old 09-27-2019, 02:26 AM Thread Starter
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An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake…

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, ‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

The bouncer is a blonde girl with a ‘Billy-Club’.

I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

‘Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

‘No...not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times...’

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2615 of 3532 (permalink) Old 09-27-2019, 02:30 AM Thread Starter
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There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport
through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark.
After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous.

Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around,
rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey where am I?" To this, the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window,
executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops,
so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question.
The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from there
the airport is just five miles due East."

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2616 of 3532 (permalink) Old 09-27-2019, 11:09 AM Thread Starter
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One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind.
The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog.
Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke.
However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking.

Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once,
and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream
and we're gonna get killed!"

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2617 of 3532 (permalink) Old 09-27-2019, 05:35 PM
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Half to admit it is funny and sad at the same time. Agree with the sentiment.
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post #2618 of 3532 (permalink) Old 09-27-2019, 06:12 PM
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CLAP CLAP CLAP !!!!!!!! LOL good one GuzziJohn
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post #2619 of 3532 (permalink) Old 09-28-2019, 03:44 AM Thread Starter
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A newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game.
Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water's edge.
Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back,
the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.

Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
fall over gently onto their backs."

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2620 of 3532 (permalink) Old 09-28-2019, 05:53 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SEM View Post
CLAP CLAP CLAP !!!!!!!! LOL good one GuzziJohn
Hear! Hear! Amen and AMEN.
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