Laugh for the day. - Page 264 - Graybeard Outdoors
 
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post #2631 of 3280 (permalink) Old 10-01-2019, 04:19 AM Thread Starter
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A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned Over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2632 of 3280 (permalink) Old 10-01-2019, 04:21 AM Thread Starter
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As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum.
No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.
Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest,
whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons,
and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2633 of 3280 (permalink) Old 10-01-2019, 11:14 AM Thread Starter
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A TEXAS AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL CONVERSATION:

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R --Allah be Praised!!"

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R.- -Allah is Great!!"

Pause: Static.............

Saudi Air: " DALLAS ATC ! DALLAS ATC !

Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS !!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE !!!
INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!

Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah 'hey' for us -- ya hear?

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2634 of 3280 (permalink) Old 10-01-2019, 08:35 PM
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Runway 9R is a eastbound runway.
Westbound the same runway is 27L.
There is no westbound runway labeled as 9R.
At least that is the way the local airport is marked.

I may not be completely sane, but at least I don't think I have the power to influence the weather.
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post #2635 of 3280 (permalink) Old 10-02-2019, 01:15 AM Thread Starter
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One day a fella was driving home when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and *shock* he hadn't bought her anything.
Out of the corner of his eye he notices a shopping mall. Knowing that it was 'now or never', he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic,
finds a parking bay and runs into the mall.

After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of the shop assistant. When asked what he'd like, he simply says: "a Barbie Doll".

The shop assistant looks at him in a condescending manner and asks, "So Sir, which Barbie would that be?"

The man looks surprised so the assistant continues, "We have Barbie Goes To the Ball at $19.99, Barbie goes Shopping at $19.99, Barbie goes Clubbing at $19.99,
Barbie Goes To The Gym at $19.99, Cyber Barbie at $19.99 and Divorced Barbie at $249.99."

The man can't help himself and asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $249.99 when all those other Barbies are selling for $19.99???"

"Well Sir, that's quite obvious!" says the assistant,

"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ....

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2636 of 3280 (permalink) Old 10-02-2019, 06:23 AM
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Jeeper1, the second aircraft is a helicopter that is backing up...
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post #2637 of 3280 (permalink) Old 10-02-2019, 08:35 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jeeper1 View Post
Runway 9R is a eastbound runway.
Westbound the same runway is 27L.
There is no westbound runway labeled as 9R.
At least that is the way the local airport is marked.
Yep, 'cuz it can't be a joke unless it is factually correct.
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post #2638 of 3280 (permalink) Old 10-02-2019, 09:25 AM Thread Starter
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Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2639 of 3280 (permalink) Old 10-02-2019, 09:53 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gunnut in iowa View Post
yep, 'cuz it can't be a joke unless it is factually correct.
^this^

Go Donald Go!!
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post #2640 of 3280 (permalink) Old 10-02-2019, 10:55 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ex 49er View Post
Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.
This is why I stopped complaining at my kids for not getting up off their butts and going out side, They would do it to me! sad how I have grown so attached to this machine, think I'll go out side now, well maybe later when it warms up...... have to find my bottle first, ah c__p
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