Laugh for the day. - Page 271 - Graybeard Outdoors
 
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post #2701 of 2814 (permalink) Old 10-17-2019, 03:16 AM Thread Starter
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A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes.

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of h*ll.
The Game Warden was hot on his heels.

After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath,
so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped.

With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son," said the Game Warden. "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes, sir," replied the young guy. "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one."

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2702 of 2814 (permalink) Old 10-17-2019, 12:09 PM Thread Starter
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A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule,
at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.
Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and
get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, so?" said the officer.

"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire Chief?"

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2703 of 2814 (permalink) Old 10-17-2019, 12:10 PM Thread Starter
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A woman was driving her old beat up car on the Highway with her 7 year old son. She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her.
After getting caught in a large group of cars flying down the road, she looked at her speedometer to see she was doing 15 miles over the
speed limit. Slowing down, she moved over to the side and got out of the clump that soon left her behind. She looked up and saw the
flashing lights of a police car. Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car. As he did he said, "Ma'am do you know why
I pulled you over?" Her son piped up from the back seat, "I do... because you couldn't catch the other cars!"

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2704 of 2814 (permalink) Old 10-17-2019, 12:22 PM Thread Starter
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Bubba had shingles. Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and
more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?

Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name,
address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, 'Shingles' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles...' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test,
a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'

Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2705 of 2814 (permalink) Old 10-18-2019, 01:33 AM Thread Starter
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Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd gained some weight,
and I didn't feel so hot.
My doctor said eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would solve my physical problems. He said just think in colors;
Fill your plate with bright colors; greens, yellows, reds, etc.
I went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&M's and sure enough, I felt better immediately. I never knew eating right could be so easy.

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2706 of 2814 (permalink) Old 10-18-2019, 01:35 AM Thread Starter
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The police department, famous for its superior canine (K-9) unit, was somewhat taken back by a recent incident.

Returning home from work a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burgled. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash the blonde ran out onto the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned,
'I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a blind policeman!'

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2707 of 2814 (permalink) Old 10-18-2019, 01:39 AM Thread Starter
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A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch,
asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor
at this bar but could get a cab called for him.
The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.
The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation.
Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.
The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door,
all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool,
gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks,
and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2708 of 2814 (permalink) Old 10-18-2019, 12:52 PM Thread Starter
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A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club.
"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2709 of 2814 (permalink) Old 10-18-2019, 12:55 PM Thread Starter
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A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar,
a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.
The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says
"Do you know your monkey stole my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it."

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post #2710 of 2814 (permalink) Old 10-18-2019, 11:46 PM Thread Starter
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John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself,
when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do you know this, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so."
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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