Laugh for the day. - Page 274 - Graybeard Outdoors
 
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post #2731 of 3280 (permalink) Old 10-23-2019, 11:08 PM Thread Starter
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As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said,
"Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!"
pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong honey?"

"Mommy, where's my booger?"

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2732 of 3280 (permalink) Old 10-23-2019, 11:18 PM Thread Starter
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It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and
began waiting for a fish to bite.

He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man
and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.

The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one.

This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time.

He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and
have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

"What was that?" the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."

So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2733 of 3280 (permalink) Old 10-24-2019, 02:46 AM
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post #2734 of 3280 (permalink) Old 10-24-2019, 11:09 AM Thread Starter
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Many years ago my wife was to knitting what Tiger Woods is to golf. She designed exotic patterns with ease.

There was an occasion when we had lunch in a real Chinese restaurant (only one person spoke partial English, all menus were in Chinese).
When she saw the hand-written menu she was so impressed with the calligraphy she tucked the menu in her purse. Some months later I
saw the result, a stunning white sweater with the Chinese symbols hand-stitched down the front.

She received compliments galore until one cocktail party when we met a distinguished Chinese physician who asked my wife where she
got the symbols. He then wanted to know if she knew what they meant.

"I'm afraid to ask," she said, "but tell me anyway."

Even she had to laugh when he told her they read, "This is a cheap dish--but good."

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2735 of 3280 (permalink) Old 10-24-2019, 05:07 PM Thread Starter
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Two blondes are in a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A game warden comes up behind them,
taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any." replied the first woman.
"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the game warden.
"But officer," replied the second girl, "we aren't fishing. All we have are magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting
debris off the bottom of the river."
The game warden lifted up the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.
"Well, I know of no law against it,"shrugged the game warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the game warden left.
As soon as he was out of sight, the women started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop!
Doesn't he know that there are steelheads in this river?!"

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2736 of 3280 (permalink) Old 10-24-2019, 11:57 PM Thread Starter
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Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas
flight check. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his log book out and made sure all his paperwork
was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying skills to the test. The examiner walked slowly around the sled.
He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and even Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for
the sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked
the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun. "What's that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously.
The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear,
"but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2737 of 3280 (permalink) Old 10-24-2019, 11:58 PM Thread Starter
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I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting
and announced "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays,
that would be great."

I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not. A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her:
"Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land
the plane." She still wouldn't comply.

Now he was getting angry and asked her again to put up the tray. She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am called a princess.
I take orders from no one."

Our flight attendant replied: "Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called a queen and I outrank you, *itch, so put the tray up!"

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2738 of 3280 (permalink) Old 10-25-2019, 01:32 AM Thread Starter
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A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here,
years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is
the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row,
please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2739 of 3280 (permalink) Old 10-25-2019, 01:33 AM Thread Starter
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A Mexican family crosses over the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are paved with gold. But the husband can find no work.

His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray: "Sweet Jesus,
please show me a way to feed my family..."

Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the BLACK man coming over the top of the hill, who is stumbling wildly with a broken grocery sack.
When the Mexican man opens his eyes, a large wheel of cheddar cheese rolls down the hill an lands at his feet!

"Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you!" he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home. Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife
and instructs her to make nachos.

"But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and other things?" she inquires. "No," the husband says, "Jesus sent this to me
with a message... As I ran home, I kept hearing Him yell, ' THAT'S NACHO CHEESE! THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!'

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2740 of 3280 (permalink) Old 10-25-2019, 01:36 AM Thread Starter
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A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and
he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend.

After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened.

He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and
lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his.

A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked,
"Does this look like yours?"

That was the last thing he could remember.

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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