Laugh for the day. - Page 280 - Graybeard Outdoors
 
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post #2791 of 2856 (permalink) Old 11-10-2019, 12:16 PM Thread Starter
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Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and
join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart
since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where
the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart wouldbe just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2792 of 2856 (permalink) Old 11-10-2019, 11:14 PM Thread Starter
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A man went into a grocery store, got 3 cans of dog food, and walked up to the checkout counter.

The cashier asks the man, "Sir, do you own a dog?"

The man replies, "Yes I do."

The cashier then asks, "Do you have the dog with you?"

The man replies, "No, I left it at home."

The cashier then says, "I'm sorry, but I can't sell you this dog food unless I see your dog."

A few days later the man walks into the same store, gets 3 cans of cat food, and walks up to the checkout counter.

The same cashier asks, "Sir, do you own a cat?"

The man replies, "Yes I do."

The cashier then asks, "Do you have your cat with you?"

And the man replies, "No, I left it at home."

Then the cashier says, "I'm sorry, but I can't sell you this cat food unless I see your cat."

A few days later the man walks into the store, this time carrying a paper bag. He walks up to the same cashier, and asks him to put his hand into the bag.

The cashier says, "It feels warm, soft, and gooey."

The man then says, "Now, can I go back and get 3 rolls of toilet paper?"

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2793 of 2856 (permalink) Old 11-11-2019, 12:23 PM Thread Starter
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Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride
for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,"
says the beaming boy to his father.
"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2794 of 2856 (permalink) Old 11-12-2019, 04:16 AM Thread Starter
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The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch.
Someone dialed 911.
When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.
"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out,
he came out with the lawn mower."

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2795 of 2856 (permalink) Old 11-12-2019, 12:09 PM Thread Starter
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Things Mom Would Never Say

"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"
"Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"
"Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"
"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"
"Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
"I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"
"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2796 of 2856 (permalink) Old 11-13-2019, 02:08 AM Thread Starter
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Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say

10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something.
Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.

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post #2797 of 2856 (permalink) Old 11-13-2019, 02:10 AM Thread Starter
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For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment.
Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2798 of 2856 (permalink) Old 11-13-2019, 12:38 PM Thread Starter
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You Know You've Turned Into a Mom When...

You automatically double-knot everything you tie.
You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.
You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!
You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.
You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.
You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.
You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?"
You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over
and started to cut up his steak!

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2799 of 2856 (permalink) Old 11-14-2019, 05:13 AM Thread Starter
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The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This isn't for any religious or constitutional reason,
they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capitol. There was no problem however finding enough asses to fill the stable.

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #2800 of 2856 (permalink) Old 11-14-2019, 12:24 PM Thread Starter
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Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel.
Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up?
Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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