Laugh for the day. - Page 309 - Graybeard Outdoors
 
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post #3081 of 3267 (permalink) Old 02-17-2020, 11:53 PM Thread Starter
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On an airplane, I overheard a stewardess talking to an elderly couple in front of me. Learning that it was the couple's 50th wedding anniversary,
the flight attendant congratulated them and asked how they had done it.

"It all felt like five minutes..." the gentleman said slowly.

The stewardess had just begun to remark on what a sweet statement that was when he finished his sentence with a word that earned him a
sharp smack on the head.

"...underwater."

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #3082 of 3267 (permalink) Old 02-17-2020, 11:55 PM Thread Starter
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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps
on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.
"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer."

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #3083 of 3267 (permalink) Old 02-18-2020, 02:56 AM Thread Starter
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Did ya hear about the blonde who brought a bag of frozen french fries to a poker game?

Someone told her to bring her own chips.

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #3084 of 3267 (permalink) Old 02-18-2020, 04:54 PM Thread Starter
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I worry about the germs in the holes of bowling balls. Nobody cleans those holes. There are years of impacted pizza fingers in there.
Taco fingers. Chicken fingers. I'm amazed those balls still have holes. Ever smell a bowling ball hole? You think the balls are
knocking down the pins? You're wrong. The pins are passing out from the smell.

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #3085 of 3267 (permalink) Old 02-19-2020, 02:00 AM Thread Starter
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What do you call a poodle with no legs?
A sponge.

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #3086 of 3267 (permalink) Old 02-19-2020, 11:42 AM Thread Starter
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A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.

He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey, Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a Panda! Look it up!"

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin,
characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #3087 of 3267 (permalink) Old 02-20-2020, 02:17 AM Thread Starter
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Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight.

"I am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty.

"No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.

"I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb.

"No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan

"I have had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don Juan.

"No, you haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.

Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin,
clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace,
where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming.

"I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so."

In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty.

"I am the smallest person in the world. Merlin agrees."

In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught,
muttering, "Who the h*ll is Bill Clinton"

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post #3088 of 3267 (permalink) Old 02-20-2020, 02:19 AM Thread Starter
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One day during cooking class, the teacher, Mrs. Jones, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces.
When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, "Now don't forget to use wooden spoons."

As I stirred my sauce, I contempleted the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon and decided it must
have something to do with heat conduction. I approached Mrs. Jones to test my theory. "Why wooden spoons?" I asked.

"Because, she replied, "if I have to sit here listening to all your metal spoons banging against metal pots, I'd go nuts!"

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post #3089 of 3267 (permalink) Old 02-20-2020, 02:20 AM Thread Starter
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The census taker knocked on Donna's door. She answered all his questions except one. She refused to tell him her age.

"But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said.

"Did my next door neighbors, Miss Maisy Hill and Miss Daisy Hill, tell you THEIR ages?" she asked.

"Certainly," he replied.

"Well, I'm the same age as they are!" she snapped.

"As old as the Hills," he wrote on his form.

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post #3090 of 3267 (permalink) Old 02-20-2020, 12:10 PM Thread Starter
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This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his backyard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.

The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and
get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords,
he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?"
the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself.

So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall
and still he only manages to cut five cords.

The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem.
I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.

The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim,
removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise?

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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