Laugh for the day. - Page 319 - Graybeard Outdoors
 
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post #3181 of 3269 (permalink) Old 03-19-2020, 10:02 PM Thread Starter
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Late one night at the insane asylum, an inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" Another inmate asked, "How do you know?"
"God told me!" A voice from another room suddenly shouted, "I did not!"

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #3182 of 3269 (permalink) Old 03-19-2020, 10:06 PM Thread Starter
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A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending".

He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?"

The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden.

The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said,
"This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?"

The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license.

The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck.
Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?"

The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license.

The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck.
Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?"

Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license.

The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses,
just where the heck are you from?"

The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said "You're so smart, YOU tell ME!"

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #3183 of 3269 (permalink) Old 03-20-2020, 12:56 PM Thread Starter
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"Send someone over quickly!" the old woman screamed into the phone. "Two men are climbing towards my bedroom window!"

"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department."

"No, it's YOU I want!" she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #3184 of 3269 (permalink) Old 03-20-2020, 09:35 PM Thread Starter
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The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho.
Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him.

The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge, goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.

The principal replies that he knows little Johnny, as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them, and if little Johnny said
that he did not do it, he, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.

Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the Regional Head of Education and relates the whole story.

After listening, he replies: "I can't see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the darn wall!"

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #3185 of 3269 (permalink) Old 03-21-2020, 02:40 AM Thread Starter
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Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
About being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure'!

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #3186 of 3269 (permalink) Old 03-21-2020, 02:41 AM Thread Starter
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A crumbling old church building needed remodeling, so, during his sermon, the preacher made an impassioned appeal looking
directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the sermon, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."
Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder.
He promptly stood back up and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000."
Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge.
"He sat down, and a larger chunk of plaster fell on his head.
He stood up once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!"
This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #3187 of 3269 (permalink) Old 03-21-2020, 12:10 PM Thread Starter
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I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #3188 of 3269 (permalink) Old 03-21-2020, 10:31 PM Thread Starter
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Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now,
but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests.
So what else would you like to be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.
"Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles.
But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asked the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #3189 of 3269 (permalink) Old 03-22-2020, 01:47 AM Thread Starter
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I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
By the time I got my leotards on,
The class was over.

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #3190 of 3269 (permalink) Old 03-22-2020, 11:17 AM Thread Starter
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A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation.

Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"

The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing."

"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now."

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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