Laugh for the day. - Page 51 - Graybeard Outdoors
 
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post #501 of 2725 (permalink) Old 07-19-2017, 10:33 PM Thread Starter
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Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. –
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills
back
on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
since I’m going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the
can of Pepsi I’d been drinking.

I’m going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye–they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I’ve been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I’m going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I’ll be looking for the remote,
but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I’ll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn’t washed
the bills aren’t paid
there is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don’t have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can’t find the remote,
I can’t find my glasses,
and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all the **** day,
and I’m really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
and I’ll try to get some help for it,
but first I’ll check my e-mail….

Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don’t remember who the **** I’ve sent it to.

Don’t laugh — if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!!

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #502 of 2725 (permalink) Old 07-20-2017, 01:25 AM
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what about the water you haven't turned off??
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post #503 of 2725 (permalink) Old 07-23-2017, 05:11 PM Thread Starter
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A father told each of his 3 sons when he sent them to off to college, "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education,
and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."

And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially.
When their father's time had come, and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.

First, the doctor put 10 newly printed crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.

Then, the financial planner also put $1,000 there in 20 newly printed crisp $50 bills.

Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He reached into his pocket, took out his checkbook,
wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash
This lawyer is now running for Congress.

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #504 of 2725 (permalink) Old 07-24-2017, 10:30 PM Thread Starter
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One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a
loud voice from above said, “There are no fish down there.”

He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said,
“There’s no fish down there.”

He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said,
“There’s no fish down there.”

He looked up into the sky and asked, “God, is that you?”

“No, you idiot,” the voice said, “it’s the rink manager.”

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #505 of 2725 (permalink) Old 07-25-2017, 03:11 PM
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A drunk man, who smelled like beer, sat down on a crowded subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked loudly, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest, openly as loud, replied, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath!'

The drunk coughed in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,' then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
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post #506 of 2725 (permalink) Old 07-25-2017, 03:14 PM
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One day, a very gentle Texas lady was driving across
a high bridge in Austin. As she neared the top of the
bridge, she noticed a young man fixin’ to jump.
("fixin to" in Texas means getting ready to)

She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said,
"Please don't jump! Think of your dear mother and father."
He replied, "My mom and dad are both dead;
I'm going to jump."

She said, "Well, think of your sweet wife and precious
children." He replied, "I'm not married, and I don't have
any kids."

She said, "Well then, you just remember the Alamo."
He replied, ''What's the Alamo ?''

She replied, ‘’Well, bless your heart! You just go ahead
and jump…you little Yankee Democrat B*****d.
You’re holding up traffic.
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post #507 of 2725 (permalink) Old 07-26-2017, 04:10 PM Thread Starter
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While vacationing on the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"
"No," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #508 of 2725 (permalink) Old 07-27-2017, 02:45 AM Thread Starter
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A man and woman were on their first date. The woman was trying to make conversation and said, “So I hear you hunt deer.”
The man looked away and turned red. “What’s wrong?” asked the woman.
“I’m not used to someone calling me dear on the first date,” the man said.


Two hunters in deer camp woke up in the middle of the night. “Look at the stars… what a splendor,” said one hunter.
“Yeah but what do you think happened to our tent?” said the other.

When you're walking on eggs; don't hop!!
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post #509 of 2725 (permalink) Old 07-27-2017, 01:54 PM
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Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter,
Mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Dear Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is too huge. I live in only one room, but I have to keep the whole house clean!"

"Dear Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes."

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your Mother likes.
The chicken was Dee-licious!"
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post #510 of 2725 (permalink) Old 07-27-2017, 03:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by land_owner View Post
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter,
Mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Dear Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is too huge. I live in only one room, but I have to keep the whole house clean!"

"Dear Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes."

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your Mother likes.
The chicken was Dee-licious!"
wife groaned, but I laughed!
must have been pretty expensive chicken!
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