|Topic Review (Newest First)|
|Today 12:01 AM|
A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.
"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"
"Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied.
"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"
"Throw out another anchor, sir."
"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.
"Throw out another anchor, sir."
"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"
"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."
|Yesterday 11:54 PM|
A man visited a fortuneteller and sat down in front of her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children," she said.
"That's what you think," the man replied. "I'm the father of three children."
The fortuneteller smiled and said, "That's what you think."
|Yesterday 11:53 PM|
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila,
goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him cant believe what he just saw. Hes more surprised when, 10 minutes later,
the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and
were hundreds of feet above the ground!
The jumper responds by slurring, Well, I dont get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window,
the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch. He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and
lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window.
As he reaches the bottom, he doesnt slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. You're really an azzhole when you're drunk, Superman.
|Yesterday 01:53 PM|
One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw
Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to
him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says "You Chinese people bombed
our Pearl Harbor, get out of here."
The astonished Chinese man replied "It was not the Chinese who bombed
your Pearl Harbor , it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says "You sank the
Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not
The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the
|Yesterday 01:51 PM|
Upon returning to their car from a shopping tour, one of the young ladies realized that she had forgotten
to stop at the pharmacy for her birth control pills.
She rushed into the nearest pharmacy and gave her prescription to the pharmacist.
"Please fill this immediately," she asked. "I've got people waiting in my car!"
|Yesterday 01:49 PM|
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: Dear husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden.
When is the best time to plant them?
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter: Dear wife, whatever you do, do not
touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money.
A week or so later, he receives another letter from his wife. Dear husband, you wouldnt believe what happened.
Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the back garden.
The prisoner writes back: Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce.
|Yesterday 12:16 AM|
A guy walked into a pet store looking for a Christmas gift for his wife.
The storekeeper said he knew exactly what would please her and took a little bird out of its cage.
"This is Chet," he said, "and Chet can sing Christmas carols and songs."
Seeing the look of disbelief on the customer's face, he proceeded to demonstrate.
"He needs warming up," he said. "Lend me your cigarette lighter."
The storekeeper lifted Chet's left wing and waved the flame lightly under it.
Immediately, Chet sang: Oh Come, All Ye Faithful.
"That's fantastic," said the customer.
"And listen to this," said the storekeeper, warming Chet's other wing. Chet sang: O Little Town of Bethlehem.
"Wrap him up," said the customer, "I'll take him!"
When he got home he greeted his wife: "Honey, I can't wait until Christmas to show you what I got you. This is fantastic."
He unwrapped Chet's cage and showed the bird to his wife. "Now, watch and listen."
He raised Chet's left wing and held him over a Christmas candle that was burning on the mantlepiece. Chet immediately began to sing Silent Night.
The wife was delighted. As Chet's right wing was warmed over the flame, he sang Joy To The World.
"Let me try it," said the wife, seizing he bird. In her eagerness, she held Chet a little too close to the candle flame. Chet began to sing passionately:
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire!"
|Yesterday 12:13 AM|
Q: What birds spend all their time on their knees?
A: Birds of prey!
Q: What did they call the canary that flew into the pastry dish?
A: Tweetie Pie!
Q: What kind of birds do you usually find locked up?
Q: How do you get a cut-price parrot?
A: Plant bird seed!
Q: Why is a sofa like a roast chicken?
A: Because they're both full of stuffing!
Q: What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek?
A: Fowl play!
Q: What happens when ducks fly upside down?
A: They quack up!
|Yesterday 12:11 AM|
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
|05-29-2020 11:20 AM|
A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch
and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars."
"Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.
The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."
The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.
"That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use
the UNIX operating system." Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.
"That one costs 2,000 dollars."
"And what does that one do?" the man asked.
The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"
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