|Topic Review (Newest First)|
|Today 12:32 PM|
"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," little Joshua said to his uncle the first time he saw him
after the holidays. "It's the best present I ever got."
"That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?"
"Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and
my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night.
|Today 12:30 PM|
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
|Yesterday 10:37 PM|
A young man and a young woman were soon to be married, but they both had a problem they had never told
anyone else about. The man approached his father one day before the wedding and told him about his problem.
His feet REALLY stunk, even if he washed them constantly, he was worried that this would scare off his new bride,
so he needed a solution, fast. His father pondered the situation and finally told his son to wear socks constantly
(even to bed) and always wash his feet whenever he got a chance. The son thought about this and went along happy.
The same day the young lady approached her mother and told her about her problem. Her morning breath was horrid.
Her mother reassured her and told her everyone had bad morning breath. The young woman told her mother that this
was not normal morning breath but easily the worst in the world. The mother thinks about this and comes up with this
bright idea. She tells her daughter to get up earlier than everyone else and don't say a thing, go make breakfast and
then brush her teeth while the others are eating. The young woman thinks and then runs off to get ready for the wedding, happy.
The couple is married and they are happy, him with his perpetual socks and her with her morning silences.
One morning about 5:30 am the young man wakes up to find one sock missing. He starts rustling around in the
bed looking for it, which of course wakes up his wife, who without thinking asks what's wrong.
With a look of shock on his face the young man says, "OH MY GOD! You've swallowed my sock!"
|Yesterday 10:25 PM|
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
|Yesterday 10:24 PM|
A young lady came home from a date looking rather sad. She told her mother, "Arthur proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a he*l."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
|Yesterday 11:37 AM|
Someone mistakenly leaves the cages open in the reptile house at the Bronx Zoo and
there are snakes slithering all over the place.
Frantically, the keeper tries everything, but he can't get them back in their cages.
Finally he says, "Quick, call a lawyer!"
"A lawyer? Why??"
"We need someone who speaks their langauge!"
|Yesterday 11:36 AM|
When is it unlucky to see a black and white cat?
When you are a mouse.
|Yesterday 11:34 AM|
George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died.
Due to a glitch in the mundane/celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates
more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart.
The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him. "You look like Einstein,
but you have NO idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses.
Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers.
The blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and
symbols his special theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really *are* Einstein! Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate.
"Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women:
he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk.
Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"
The last to arrive is George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity.
How can you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."
|05-31-2020 09:57 PM|
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over
to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me.
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets
the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So, just to be fair I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the
front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches
behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.
He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM
He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
"Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."
Moral of this story.... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!
|05-31-2020 09:55 PM|
Q: What is the only way to keep your money from the casinos in Las Vegas?
A: When you get off the plane, walk into the propellers.
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