[Ex 49er]

Laugh of the day

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Johnny what his problem was he replied, "I'm too smart for the first grade, my sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than her too." The teacher took him to the principal's office and explained the situation to the principal. The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test, and if he failed to answer one question he would have to go back to the first grade and be quiet. The teacher and Johnny both agreed. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Johnny: "9." Principal: "6 x 6?" Johnny: "36." And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every question a third grader should know. Finally after about an hour he told the teacher "I see no reason Johnny can't go to the third grade, he answered all of my questions right." The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Johnny agree.[/color]
Teacher: "What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?"[/color]Johnny: "Legs" Teacher: "What do you have in your pants that I don't have?" The principal gasps but before he can stop him from answering Johnny says, "Pockets." Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" [/color]Johnny: "Pants." Teacher: "What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?" [/color]Johnny: "Firetruck."[/color] The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, [/color]I got the last 4 questions wrong myself.[/color]

 

[Ex 49er]

A German Engineer just [/color]started his own business in Afghanistan. [/color]

He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.[/color]

It's doing well. [/color]HE SAYS PROPHETS ARE GOING THROUGH THE ROOF.

 

[oldshooter]

;D ;D

 

[Ex 49er]

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an Arizona immigration office. "Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children." The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them." The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !-- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth! "What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go."

The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with big three-car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country.. I want to bring them all over here" --- and PING -- in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three-car garage, a long driveway, and a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.

"One more wish," said the fairy, waving her wand. "Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero. And I want to have white skin like Americans" ---and --- PING -- The man was instantly transformed - wearing worn-out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt, and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

"What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed. "Where is my new house?" The fairy said: "Tough nachos, Amigo, now that you are a white American, you have to fend for yourself."

 

[Ex 49er]

There was a duck that walked into a store and said, “Got any candy?” The storekeeper said, “No, we don’t.” The next day, the duck went into the same store and asked the same thing and got the same answer. The duck kept going back every day for a week and asked the same thing and kept getting the same answer until the store keeper got so angry he said, “if you come in here and ask that again, I will hit you on the head with a hammer!” The next day, the duck walks into the store and asks, “Got a hammer?” The store keeper says, “No.” Then the duck asks, “Got any candy?”[/color]

 

[Ex 49er]

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. 'Hey, nice tie!' comes out of nowhere. He looks up at the barman to see if he had said anything, but since he was on the other side of the bar the man just ignores it.

'Hey! Nice shirt!' The man looks up but, again, the barman is engaged elsewhere. 'Hey! Nice suit!' The man then calls the barman over and asks him why he keeps talking to him.

'It's not me, it's the complimentary peanuts', said the barman.[/color]

 

[Ex 49er]

A WOMAN was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane.
Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney
along the way. The flight attendant explained that
there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted
to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board
in 50 minutes. [/color]
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was
blind. A man had noticed her as he walked by and
could tell the lady was blind because her Guide
Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her
throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before
because the pilot approached her, and calling her by
name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost
an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?'
The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.'
Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Guide dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
People scattered!!
They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
True story. Have a great NEW YEAR and remember...
THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR!!!

 

[Old Syko]

Good one 49er. I look forward to the next. ;D

 

[Ex 49er]

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
“Yes, sir," the clerk replied.
"That's good," the boss said.
"After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

 

[bubba.50]

my wife came home yesterday & said "come in the bedroom with me". we got to the bedroom where she lay down on the bed & said
"take off my shoes." I took off her shoes.

"now take off my blouse." I took off her blouse.

"now take off my skirt." I took off her skirt.

"now take off my bra." so I took off her bra.

"now take off my panties." so I took off her panties.




"NOW DON'T EVER LET ME CATCH YOU WEARING MY THINGS AGAIN!"

 

[goodshot]

ooohhhhhh........... bubba!

 

[Ex 49er]

I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and I noticed a Muslim with a knife, sneaking through my next door neighbor's garden.
Suddenly my neighbor came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.
He then dug a grave and put the body in it and covered it. Astonished, I got back into bed. My wife said, "You're upset, what is it?"
“You'll never believe what I've just seen,” I said.
“Our neighbor still has my shovel.”

 

[Lt. Dave]

How do you tell a good Muslim from a bad one?

I don't know either.

 

[bubba.50]

How do you tell a good Muslim from a bad one?

I don't know either.

the "good one" is the dead one.

 

[Lt. Dave]

One day when ex President Clinton returned from a trip to Arkansas he disembarked the presidential helicopter on the White House lawn leading a razorback pig on a leash down the gangway. The Marine Honor Guard saluted the president and smartly replied "Welcome back Sir". President Clinton said to the Marine "Do you know what I have here?" The Marine replied "Yes Sir, a Pig Sir". President Clinton replied "this is not just any pig, this is an Arkansas Razorback Pig that I got for Hillary". The Marine replied "Good trade Sir".

 

[Argent11]

A blond calls the fire dept. " help help my house is on fire! " The dispatcher says lady you have to tell us how to get there. The blond says " Dhuuu, in the big red trucks".

 

[Lt. Dave]

How do you tell a good Muslim from a bad one?

I don't know either.

the "good one" is the dead one.

There are some that are dead that were not good alive, like the couple from Riverside California who killed their friends and colleagues. I would argue they are not good dead either. I know this isn't funny but how do you tell? I had many friends in college who were muslim. I don't think they turned into terrorists, but...maybe their kids are getting sucked in.

 

[mcwoodduck]

A WOMAN was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane.
Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney
along the way. The flight attendant explained that
there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted
to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board
in 50 minutes. [/color]
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was
blind. A man had noticed her as he walked by and
could tell the lady was blind because her Guide
Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her
throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before
because the pilot approached her, and calling her by
name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost
an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?'
The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.'
Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Guide dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
People scattered!!
They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
True story. Have a great NEW YEAR and remember...
THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR!!!

My uncle was a C130 Pilot. Often they would have a spare pilot in the plane as he was an instructor. So they would pick up Troops to jump out of the back and with the soldiers in the back they would not know there were a spare pilot on the flight deck. They all thought it was really funny to create an "emergency at the back of the plane and they would take two strings and three of the four guys would leave the cockpit and hand the two strings to the first soldier on the jump seats. And would say if the plane goes left pull gently on the right string and vise versa. The crew would go to the back and the pilot would slowly bank the plane and the soldier would pull on the string and he could see a string go tight so he would steer the plane and freak the soldiers out.

 

[goodshot]

That is awesome!
blessings

 

[Ex 49er]

[/color]
Vandals had set fire to a farmer’s haystack which then spread to his barn. While he surveyed the wreckage, his wife called their insurance company and asked them to send a check for $50,000 the amount of insurance on the barn. “We don’t give you the money,” a company official explained. “We replace the barn and all the equipment in it.” “In that case,” replied the wife, “cancel the policy I have on my husband.”[/color]