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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Laugh of the day

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Johnny what his problem was he replied, "I'm too smart for the first grade, my sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than her too." The teacher took him to the principal's office and explained the situation to the principal. The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test, and if he failed to answer one question he would have to go back to the first grade and be quiet. The teacher and Johnny both agreed. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Johnny: "9." Principal: "6 x 6?" Johnny: "36." And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every question a third grader should know. Finally after about an hour he told the teacher "I see no reason Johnny can't go to the third grade, he answered all of my questions right." The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Johnny agree.[/color]
Teacher: "What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?"[/color]Johnny: "Legs" Teacher: "What do you have in your pants that I don't have?" The principal gasps but before he can stop him from answering Johnny says, "Pockets." Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" [/color]Johnny: "Pants." Teacher: "What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?" [/color]Johnny: "Firetruck."[/color] The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, [/color]I got the last 4 questions wrong myself.[/color]
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an Arizona immigration office. "Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children." The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them." The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !-- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth! "What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go."

The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with big three-car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country.. I want to bring them all over here" --- and PING -- in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three-car garage, a long driveway, and a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.

"One more wish," said the fairy, waving her wand. "Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero. And I want to have white skin like Americans" ---and --- PING -- The man was instantly transformed - wearing worn-out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt, and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

"What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed. "Where is my new house?" The fairy said: "Tough nachos, Amigo, now that you are a white American, you have to fend for yourself."
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
There was a duck that walked into a store and said, “Got any candy?” The storekeeper said, “No, we don’t.” The next day, the duck went into the same store and asked the same thing and got the same answer. The duck kept going back every day for a week and asked the same thing and kept getting the same answer until the store keeper got so angry he said, “if you come in here and ask that again, I will hit you on the head with a hammer!” The next day, the duck walks into the store and asks, “Got a hammer?” The store keeper says, “No.” Then the duck asks, “Got any candy?”[/color]
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. 'Hey, nice tie!' comes out of nowhere. He looks up at the barman to see if he had said anything, but since he was on the other side of the bar the man just ignores it.

'Hey! Nice shirt!' The man looks up but, again, the barman is engaged elsewhere. 'Hey! Nice suit!' The man then calls the barman over and asks him why he keeps talking to him.

'It's not me, it's the complimentary peanuts', said the barman.
[/color]
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
A WOMAN was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane.
Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney
along the way. The flight attendant explained that
there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted
to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board
in 50 minutes.
[/color]
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was
blind. A man had noticed her as he walked by and
could tell the lady was blind because her Guide
Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her
throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before
because the pilot approached her, and calling her by
name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost
an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?'
The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.'
Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Guide dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
People scattered!!
They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
True story. Have a great NEW YEAR and remember...
THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR!!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
“Yes, sir," the clerk replied.
"That's good," the boss said.
"After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and I noticed a Muslim with a knife, sneaking through my next door neighbor's garden.
Suddenly my neighbor came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.
He then dug a grave and put the body in it and covered it. Astonished, I got back into bed. My wife said, "You're upset, what is it?"
“You'll never believe what I've just seen,” I said.
“Our neighbor still has my shovel.”
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
[/color]
Vandals had set fire to a farmer’s haystack which then spread to his barn. While he surveyed the wreckage, his wife called their insurance company and asked them to send a check for $50,000 the amount of insurance on the barn. “We don’t give you the money,” a company official explained. “We replace the barn and all the equipment in it.” “In that case,” replied the wife, “cancel the policy I have on my husband.”[/color]
 

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Discussion Starter · #21 ·
An old German Shepherd dog starts chasing rabbits and, before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.[/color]
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!"[/color]
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.[/color]
Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that
conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear the old German Shepherd says...
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
 

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Discussion Starter · #22 ·
Bill tried to cheer up Hillary this morning[/color]
by reminding her that Nelson Mandela wasn't [/color]elected president until after he had served [/color]27 years in prison.[/color]
 

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Discussion Starter · #24 ·
A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take my @$$ to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”
 

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Discussion Starter · #25 ·
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer." the man began, "I can explain,” "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..." "But officer, I just wanted to say...." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
[/size]"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
 

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Discussion Starter · #26 ·
I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on e-bay any more) and peeled the NRA
sticker off the front door.
[/color]
I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.[/color]
I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard.
Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN buy on e-bay) and put it in the CENTER of the yard.
Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other
agencies are all watching the house 24/7.
I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month that ADT charged me.
Plus, I bought burkas for my family when we shop or travel.
Everyone moves out of way and security can't pat us down.
SAFE AT LAST . . . . .
ONLY IN THE USA ! ! ! ! ! !
 

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Discussion Starter · #27 ·
Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.


On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area.”


The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way.”


So he continued on his way.




However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked...... and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once! Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.




The farmer replied, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.”




So the king hired the donkey.




And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government, occupy its highest and most influential positions… and which later became the symbol for the Democrat party.
 

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Discussion Starter · #28 ·
Robert asked the televangelist to pray for his hearing.
After 3 minutes of violent shaking and trying to push him over backwards the preacher ask, "how's your hearing"?
Robert replied, " I don't know. It doesn't take place until Tuesday at the courthouse."
 

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Discussion Starter · #29 ·
I GOT MY CONCEALED CARRY PERMIT YESTERDAY MORNING.[/color]
In the afternoon, I went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm handgun for home/personal protection.[/color]
When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."[/color]
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!!!
As an intelligent senior citizen, I do not get flustered often. But this time, it took me a while to get my pants back on.
I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to seniors a little more clear.
I still don't think I looked that bad!
 

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Discussion Starter · #30 ·
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could put one over on them easily. So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. [/color]
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun... "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.[/color]
This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and come down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he could find on the Net.
He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer is now going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
The moral......Don't mess with seniors!
 

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Discussion Starter · #32 ·
Today, our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said fried chicken.[/color]
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.My parents told me to always tell the truth and I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.[/color]
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. [/color]
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now?
 

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Discussion Starter · #33 ·
The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama on it.

The Postal Service heard from the public that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.


This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:

1. The stamp is in perfect order.
2. There is nothing wrong with the glue.
3. People are spitting on the wrong side.
 
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