Graybeard Outdoors banner

2621 - 2640 of 3941 Posts

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,621 Posts
Discussion Starter #2,621
Felix from the odd couple went on a ballon ride. He did not have enough hot air and crashed in a remote part of the desert.
A few days went by with no relief in site. Then...

A plane. Yes Felix saw a plane! The land was so rough that the plane could not land, but they threw him a radio so that they could communicate with him.
"Please help me I am dying of thirst", Felix said. The crew said they were going back to get a helicopter but first they would drop him a bag of water.
"I have plenty of water" said Felix, "drop me a cup!"
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,621 Posts
Discussion Starter #2,622
How do you clear an ISIS bingo hall?
Call "B-52"
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,621 Posts
Discussion Starter #2,624
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and
therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax---OH MY...!"

Then silence.

Soon, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier but while I was talking,
the flight-attendant brought me a cup of very hot coffee and she spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,621 Posts
Discussion Starter #2,625
At New York's Kennedy Airport, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler,
a protractor, a set square and a calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement.
He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,621 Posts
Discussion Starter #2,626
A lawyer, a priest, and a young boy were in a plane that was going to crash, yet they only had 2 parachutes.
The lawyer proclaimed that since he was the smartest man on the plane, that he deserved to survive. He took a chute and jumped.

The priest looks and the young boy, and reflecting back on his life, told the young boy to take the last parachute since he had already lived a wonderful and full life.

The boy replied, "You can have the other chute because the smartest man on this plane just jumped out with my bookbag!"
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,621 Posts
Discussion Starter #2,627
I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my husband was stationed in the military. As I checked in at the airport,
the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions. "Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself?" he asked.

I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son.

He looked at me very carefully and asked: "Does she like you?"
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,621 Posts
Discussion Starter #2,628
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a U.S. Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the U.S. Air crew, screaming: "U.S. Air 2771, where the hel* are you going?

I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out!
You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you,
when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, U.S. Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of U.S. Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the
irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke
the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,621 Posts
Discussion Starter #2,629
One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips.

Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates,
asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,621 Posts
Discussion Starter #2,630
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crab. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if
she let them thaw out. She was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?'

Not one hand went up..so she took them home and ate them herself.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,621 Posts
Discussion Starter #2,631
A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned Over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,621 Posts
Discussion Starter #2,632
As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum.
No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.
Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest,
whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons,
and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,621 Posts
Discussion Starter #2,633
A TEXAS AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL CONVERSATION:

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R --Allah be Praised!!"

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R.- -Allah is Great!!"

Pause: Static.............

Saudi Air: " DALLAS ATC ! DALLAS ATC !

Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS !!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE !!!
INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!

Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah 'hey' for us -- ya hear?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
731 Posts
Runway 9R is a eastbound runway.
Westbound the same runway is 27L.
There is no westbound runway labeled as 9R.
At least that is the way the local airport is marked.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,621 Posts
Discussion Starter #2,635
One day a fella was driving home when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and *shock* he hadn't bought her anything.
Out of the corner of his eye he notices a shopping mall. Knowing that it was 'now or never', he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic,
finds a parking bay and runs into the mall.

After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of the shop assistant. When asked what he'd like, he simply says: "a Barbie Doll".

The shop assistant looks at him in a condescending manner and asks, "So Sir, which Barbie would that be?"

The man looks surprised so the assistant continues, "We have Barbie Goes To the Ball at $19.99, Barbie goes Shopping at $19.99, Barbie goes Clubbing at $19.99,
Barbie Goes To The Gym at $19.99, Cyber Barbie at $19.99 and Divorced Barbie at $249.99."

The man can't help himself and asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $249.99 when all those other Barbies are selling for $19.99???"

"Well Sir, that's quite obvious!" says the assistant,

"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ....
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,621 Posts
Discussion Starter #2,638
Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
417 Posts
Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.
This is why I stopped complaining at my kids for not getting up off their butts and going out side, They would do it to me! sad how I have grown so attached to this machine, think I'll go out side now, well maybe later when it warms up...... have to find my bottle first, ah c__p
 
2621 - 2640 of 3941 Posts
Top