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Q: Have you heard about the latest Polish invention?

A: It's an inflatable dart board.
 

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Two physicians board a flight out of Seattle. One sits in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off,
an attorney sits in the seat by the aisle. The lawyer kicks off his shoes, wiggle his toes, and starts to settle in,
when the physician in the window seat says, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," says the attorney, "I'm by the aisle. I'll get it for you."

While he's gone, one of the physicians picks up the attorney's shoe and spits in it. When he returns with the coke,
the other physician says, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the attorney obligingly fetches the drink. While he's gone, the other physician picks up the other shoe and spits in it.

The lawyer comes back and they all sit back and enjoy the flight. As the plane is landing, however,
the attorney slips his feet into his shoes and realizes immediately what has happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asks the physicians. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"
 

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Discussion Starter #3,263
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny standing in the foyer of the church, looking at a large plaque that hung there.
After the young man of seven had stood there for some time, the pastor walked up beside him and said quietly, "Good morning, son."
"Good morning, Pastor," replied the youngster, not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Can I ask you, Sir, what is this for?
Why are all these names listed on here?"
"Well, son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together,
staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one, Sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"
 

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Discussion Starter #3,264
What did one plate say to the other plate?

Lunch is on me.
 

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Discussion Starter #3,265
"What's the matter with you, telling everybody that I'm an idiot?"

"I'm sorry, I didn't know it was supposed to be a secret."
 

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Discussion Starter #3,266
A man and a woman meet on vacation and quickly fall in love. At the trip's end, they decide to open up to each other.

"It's only fair to warn you, Jody," Bill says. "I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep, and breathe golf."

"Well, I'll be honest, too," Jody says. "I'm a hooker."

The man looks crestfallen for a moment, then says, "Are you keeping your wrists straight?"
 

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Discussion Starter #3,268
What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?

" Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours, but I never told them anything !! "
 

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A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"

One child answered, "Mary."

The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"

A little kid said, "Verge."

Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"

The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.
 

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Discussion Starter #3,270
When I was young I used to pray for a bike,
then I realized that God doesn't work that way,
so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
 

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Discussion Starter #3,271
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honor thy father and thy mother' she asked,
"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shalt not kill."
 

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A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time?”
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain: God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
 

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Discussion Starter #3,273 (Edited)
There were two old geezers living in the backwoods. Their names were Rufus and Clarence. They lived on opposite sides of the river,
and they hated each other.

Every morning, just after sunrise, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other.
"RUFUS!!" Clarence would shout. "You better thank your lucky stars that I can't swim . . . or I'd swim this river and whup your butt!!"

"CLARENCE!!" Rufus would holler back, "You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I can't swim . . . or I'd swim this river and
whup your skinny butt!!!"

This went on every morning. Every day. Twenty years.

One day the Army Corps of Engineers came and built a bridge. Still, every morning every day for another five years the shouting and
feuding across the river continued. Finally, Rufus wife has had enough.

"Rufus!" she yells, one day. "I can't take no more!! Every day for 25 years, you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence.
Well, there's the bridge...have at it!"

Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment. "Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place.
"I'm gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"

He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway,
looked up....TURNED TAIL AND RAN SCREAMING BACK TO THE HOUSE, SLAMMED THE DOOR, BOLTED THE WINDOWS,
GRABBED THE SHOTGUN AND DIVED, PANTING AND GASPING, UNDER THE BED!!!!!

"Rufus!" cried the misses. "I thought you was gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"

"I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered.

"Rufus!" cried the misses. "What in tarnation is the matter?"

"Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, "I went to the bridge...I stepped up on the bridge...walked halfway over the bridge...looked up..."

"And?" she asked, breathless with suspense.

"And," continued Rufus, "I saw a sign that said, "Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches" He ain't never looked THAT big from the other side of the river!!!!!"
 

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Discussion Starter #3,274
A man went to a fancy dress party wearing trousers, a roll-neck sweater, and a balaclava, all light brown.
He was carrying a woman,wearing a brown and fawn dress,piggy back style.
His host asked him what he had come as. He answered: "A tortoise.''
The host asked ''What about the woman?"
The man replied ''She's Michelle.''
 

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Discussion Starter #3,275
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says,
"Perfect timing. You're just like Moishe."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "C. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab.
It would have happened like that to Moishe every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros.
He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something, huh?"

Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine,
which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy ehh?

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me.

Passenger: "Mmm, not many like that around"

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong,
and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Moishe."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his widow."
 

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Three men walk into a room.
Two get shot.
How many are left?







Three—its not like the two that were shot could get up and walk out!
 

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Discussion Starter #3,278
A man, after being hurt, calls 911 for help.
Man: Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!
Operator: Okay, sir, you're an ambulance!
 

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During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.

The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going.
The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around the room,
the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say....

"You see, it IS vanishing cream!"
 

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Discussion Starter #3,280
What's another name for a sugar daddy?
A lolly pop
 
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