Graybeard Outdoors banner

3901 - 3920 of 4620 Posts

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,347 Posts
Discussion Starter #3,901
A tightwad was looking for a gift to give a friend. Everything was too expensive except for a glass vase that had been broken and he could purchase it for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit.
In due time he received a note: thanks for the vase, it read. It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,347 Posts
Discussion Starter #3,902
Swiss mountain guides who always do the same trails can get tired answering the same questions over and over. One time an English tourist was giving his guide an especially hard time with silly questions. They were walking through a mountain valley that was strewn with rocks, and the traveler asked, "How did these rocks get here?"
"Sir," said the guide, "they were brought down by a glacier."
The tourist peered up the mountain and said, "But I don't see any glacier."
"Oh, really?" said the guide. "I guess it has gone back for more rocks."
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,347 Posts
Discussion Starter #3,903
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.

“That's it,” he tells his wife. “I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went.”

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, “Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That's no good,” sighs Arthur. “Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help.”

“He may be a hundred and three,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. “Did you see the ball?”

“Of course I did!” replies the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”

“Where did it go?” asks Arthur.

“I don't remember.”
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,347 Posts
Discussion Starter #3,904
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.
But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.

And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "

The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.

" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,347 Posts
Discussion Starter #3,905
JoAnn was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief JoAnn got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that JoAnn loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them.
To teach JoAnn a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, and meet at another home but without her.
Sure enough, at the next bridge club meeting, JoAnn started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say . . . " Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door.
JoAnn was disconcerted, but only for a moment. Then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time because the bus doesn't leave until morning!"
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,347 Posts
Discussion Starter #3,906
After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."
The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled,"Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,347 Posts
Discussion Starter #3,907
Guy: Is your dad still in jail?
Girl: For what?
Guy: For stealing all the stars in the sky and putting them in your eyes!
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,347 Posts
Discussion Starter #3,908
What's the difference between a Yankee zoo and a Redneck zoo?

On the cage in a Yankee zoo, it will have the name of the animal and the scientific name in Latin.

A Southern zoo will have the name of the animal and a recipe.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,347 Posts
Discussion Starter #3,909
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.
"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer."
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,347 Posts
Discussion Starter #3,910
A woman was walking down the street. Without warning, she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.

"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done In 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight."

The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,347 Posts
Discussion Starter #3,911
Q: Why was the math book sad
A: Because it had too many problems
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,347 Posts
Discussion Starter #3,912
A guy goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. He doesn't know which one to get, so he just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart associate standing there with dark shades on. He says, "Excuse me, Sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Sir, I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." The guy didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "Thats a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel, and it's $20.00."

The guy says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the guy farts. At first he is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was him. Being blind, the salesman wouldn't know that he was the only other person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

The guy says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes sir, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13 Posts
A blonde and a brunette are sitting in Starbucks having coffee and reading the news. The brunette shakes her head and says out loud "that's just terrible". The blonde responds "what is it?" The brunette tells her about the article she is reading said there were 13 Brazilian soliders that were killed the previous day.
The blonde pauses for several minutes then asks "how many is a brazilian?"
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,347 Posts
Discussion Starter #3,914
Did you hear about the new restaurant that just opened up on the moon?
Great food, but no atmosphere.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,347 Posts
Discussion Starter #3,915
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,347 Posts
Discussion Starter #3,916
Okay, so a Texan rancher comes upon a farmer from Maine. The Texan looks at the Mainer and asks, "Say, how much land you think you got here?"
Mainer: 'Bout 10 acres I'd say."
Texan (boasting): Well, on my lot, it takes me all day to drive completely around my property!"
Mainer: "Yep, I got one of them trucks too."
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,347 Posts
Discussion Starter #3,917
Little Johnny was in a relatives wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and then turn to the crowd, put his hands up like claws and roar.
That's the way it went all down the aisle: step, step, ROAR step, step, ROAR step, step, ROAR.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing by the time he reached the pulpit. When the priest who was celebrating the wedding asked what he was doing, Little Johnny sniffed and said, I was being the Ring Bear.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,347 Posts
Discussion Starter #3,918
Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?
A: Because they don't know the words.
Q: Where does a blackbird go for a drink?
A: To a crow bar.
Q: Why was the crow perched on a telephone wire?
A: He was going to make a long-distance caw.
Q: What did the chick say when it saw an orange in the nest?
A: Look at the orange mama laid.
Q: Is it good manners to eat fried chicken with your fingers?
A: No, you should eat your fingers separately.
Q: Why do hens lay eggs?
A: If they dropped them, they'd break.
Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea?
A: Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels.
Q: Diner: Do you serve chicken here?
A: Waiter: Sit down, sir. We serve anyone.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,347 Posts
Discussion Starter #3,919
What do you call a poodle with no legs?
A sponge.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,347 Posts
Discussion Starter #3,920
Different ways to say your not so bright...
A few clowns short of a circus.

A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

A few beers short of a six-pack.

Dumber than a box of hair.

A few peas short of a casserole.

Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box.

The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

One taco short of a combination plate.

A few feathers short of a whole duck.

All foam, no beer.

The cheese slid off her cracker.

Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

As smart as bait.

Chimney's clogged.

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

Forgot to pay his brain bill.

Her sewing machine's out of thread.

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

If he had another brain, it would be lonely.

Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

No grain in the silo.

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

Receiver is off the hook.

Several nuts short of a full pouch.

Skylight leaks a little.

Slinky's kinked.

Surfing in Nebraska.

Too much yardage between the goal posts.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

The lights are on, but nobody's home.

24 cents short of a quarter.
 
3901 - 3920 of 4620 Posts
Top