Graybeard Outdoors banner

4441 - 4460 of 4641 Posts

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,375 Posts
Discussion Starter #4,441
A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "QUEEN SIZE".

He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Granny, YOU wear the same size as our bed!"
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,375 Posts
Discussion Starter #4,442
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wall-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,375 Posts
Discussion Starter #4,443
Which breed of dog is expert at home repairs?

A caulker spaniel.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,375 Posts
Discussion Starter #4,444
What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia!

What's the difference between a sick elephant and seven days?
One is a weak one and the other one week!

What pill would you give to an elephant that can't sleep?
Trunkquilizers!

Why are elephants grey?
So you can tell them from flamingos!

Elephant Keeper: "My Elephant isn't well, do you know a good animal doctor?"
Zoo Keeper: "No, all the doctors I know are people!"
Why do elephants scratch themselves?
Because they're the only ones who know where they itch!


How do you know that peanuts are fattening?
Have you ever seen a skinny elephant?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,375 Posts
Discussion Starter #4,445
A cop pulls over a car full of nuns. The cop says, “Sister, the speed limit on this highway is 55 mph.
Why are you going so slow?”
Sister replies, “I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55.”
The copy says, “Sister, that’s the name of the highway, not the speed limit.”
“Silly me,” the embarrassed nun says. “Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful.”
But then the copy glances in the back seat where the other nuns are quaking with fear.
He asks, “Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends?”
Sister says, “Oh, we just got off Highway 101.”
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,375 Posts
Discussion Starter #4,446
When his auto mechanic came in for an operation, Dr. Grimley couldn't help but take the
opportunity to turn the tables on him.
"Well Frank," said the doctor, "It's going to take at least five days for the parts to get in.
As for the cost, there's no way to tell until we get in there and see exactly what the problem is."
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,375 Posts
Discussion Starter #4,447
A doctor tells a rich old man that he's going to die if he doesn't get a new heart soon. The old man tells the doctor to search the world for the best heart available, money is no object. A few days later the doctor calls the old man and says he has found three hearts but they are all expensive. The old man reminds the doctor that he is filthy rich and implores him to tell him about the donors they came from.

'Well, the first one belonged to 22 year old marathon runner, never smoked, ate only the most healthy foods, was in peak condition when he was hit by a bus. No damage to the heart, of course. But it costs $100,000!'

The old man waving off the last part about the cost asks the doctor to tell him about the second donor. 'This one belonged to a 16 year old long-distance swimmer, high school kid. Lean and mean. Drowned when he hit his head on the side of the pool. That heart'll set you back $150,000!'

'Okay,' said the old man, 'what about the third heart?'

'Well this one belonged to a 58 year-old man, smoked three packs of cigarettes a day, weighed over 300 pounds, never exercised, drank like a fish... this heart is going for $500,000!!!'

'Five-hundred grand?!?!', the old man exclaimed, 'why so expensive?'

'Well', said the doctor, 'this heart belonged to a lawyer... so it was never used!'
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,375 Posts
Discussion Starter #4,448
A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.
"Not Gutenberg?" Gasped the collector.
"Yes, that was it!""You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at an auction for half a million dollars!"
"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,375 Posts
Discussion Starter #4,449
"The job notice posted at the University placement office advertised for someone to set up a bookkeeping system for a local dinner theater that was filing for bankruptcy.

When an eager first-year accounting student inquired, the interviewer told him that the company needed an advanced student capable of handling Chapter 11 proceedings.

"I'm sure I could do it," the student proclaimed confidently. "My class is already up to chapter fourteen."
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,375 Posts
Discussion Starter #4,450
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?"
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,375 Posts
Discussion Starter #4,451
Confucius say, "When you are angry at neighbor, walk a mile in his shoes.
Then you will be a mile away from him, and you will have his shoes!"
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,375 Posts
Discussion Starter #4,452
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the young man bragged replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,375 Posts
Discussion Starter #4,453
Confucius Says:
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
~~~~~~~~~
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
~~~~~~~~~
War does not determine who is right, war determines who is left.
~~~~~~~~~
Man who drive like heIl, bound to get there..
~~~~~~~~~
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
~~~~~~~~~
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,375 Posts
Discussion Starter #4,454
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
“What are those knives doing in your car? Asked the officer.
“I use them in my juggling act,” says the juggler.
“Oh yeah?” “Let’s see you do it.” Says the policeman.
So the man starts tossing and juggling the knives.
A guy driving by sees this and says, “Wow, am I glad I stopped
Drinking. Look at the test they’re making you do now!”
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,375 Posts
Discussion Starter #4,455
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk. "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend?
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use Big People' words."
She then asked little Alex what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SH*T."
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,375 Posts
Discussion Starter #4,456
Q: What is the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?
A: Lipstick
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,375 Posts
Discussion Starter #4,457
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, 'Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?' The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, 'Well yeah, if that's what they are, but I never heard of circle flies.'

So the farmer says, 'Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.'

The trooper says, 'Oh,' and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, 'Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?'

The farmer says, 'Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass.'

The trooper says, 'Well, that's a good thing,' and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, 'Hard to fool them flies though...'
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,375 Posts
Discussion Starter #4,458
A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the cars were leaving.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,375 Posts
Discussion Starter #4,459
A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre. She has a dog on a leash.

He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Did you find that unusual??"

"Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual ... because he hated the book!"
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,375 Posts
Discussion Starter #4,460
Little Johnny walked into the house covered in filth. His mom asked, "Johnny, why do you always get so dirty?"

Johnny replied, " I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are."
 
4441 - 4460 of 4641 Posts
Top