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`You seem to be in some distress,' said the kindly judge to the witness. `Is anything the matter?'
`Well, your Honour,' said the witness, `I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and
nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects.'
 

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Discussion Starter #4,582
Why did the jazz musician like the wooden board?
Because it had a nice groove to it.
 

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A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.
After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the center's director that he was an acceptable candidate.

"That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive."
"Yes, sir, it can," the director replied. "An ounce of accountant's brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a Democrat's brain is seventy-five thousand dollars."

"Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a Democrat's brain? Why on earth is that?"
"Do you have any idea," the director asked, "how many Democrats we would have to use to get one ounce?"
 

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When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid,
remember some of these quips:

Missing a layer of insulation in his attic.
Monorail doesn't go all the way to Tomorrowland.
Mooring lines don't reach the dock.
More marbles in a spray-paint can than brains in his head.
Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral.
Moves his lips to pretend he's reading.
Must have ignored a knock-down pitch.
Nearly on a higher plane, but lost his boarding pass.
Needs another brain to make half-wit.
Needs both hands to wipe his behind.
Needs front end alignment.
Needs his disk checked/reformatted.
Needs his sleeves lengthened by a couple of feet so they can be tied in the back.
Network constantly loses packets.
Neurons are firing non-sequentially.
 

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When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother,
he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.

I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember
how we used to drive you crazy with waterguns?"

Mom smiled and then replied, "Oh, I remember...."
 

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Discussion Starter #4,586
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
 

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Discussion Starter #4,587
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
 

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The drunk walking along the country road saw the duck hunter lying in the brush with the gun poised toward the direction of the high-flying flock in the distance. “Shay, mishter,” advised the drunk. “Don’t waisht a shot. The fall’ll kill’em
 

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Discussion Starter #4,589
A blond, a brunette, and a redhead walk into a store.

The woman behind the counter looks them over and asks, "Do you girls want to see something?"

Confused they say yes.

The woman pulls out a ceramic pot from behind the counter, and says, "If you stick your head in this pot and say something you think is true, but it is not true you will disapear off the face of the Earth, POOF! But if what you say is true, the pot will turn to gold and it is yours to keep."

The redhead sticks her head in the pot and wispers, "I think I am the smartest girl in the world." And POOF! she disapears.

The brunette sticks her head in the pot and says, "I think I am the most beautiful girl in the world." And POOF! she disapears.

Then the blond sticks her head in the pot and says, "I think..." And POOF! she disapears.
 

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A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said
"DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !"
and turned around and drove home.

On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES".
By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
 

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Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
 

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Discussion Starter #4,592
A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.

Cop: Do you know where you were going?

Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving.
 

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Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House. Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. "Bill, Bill wake up."

Bill stays sleeping. Hillary continues, "Bill, Bill wake up."

Bill finally wakes up and says, "What do you want?"

Hillary responds, "I have to go use the bathroom."

To which Bill says, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom."

Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."
 

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Discussion Starter #4,594
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.

"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance."
 

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An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.

Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
 

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If pro- is the opposite of con- then congress must be the opposite of progress.
 

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Two kids were deciding what game to play. One said, “Let’s play doctor.”
“Good idea,” said the other. “You operate, and I’ll sue.”
 

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California winemakers in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as
PINO MORE
I heard it through the grapevine.
 

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A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.
 

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Discussion Starter #4,600
An orthopedic surgeon was moving to a new office, with the help of his staff. One of the nurses sat the display skeleton in the front of her car, a bony arm across the back of the seat.
On the drive across town, she stopped at a traffic light, and the stares of the people in the neighboring car compelled her to roll down her window and yell, I’m delivering him to my doctor’s office.” The other driver leaned out of is window. “I hate to tell you, lady,” he said, “but I think it’s too late!”
 
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