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In the prime of her career, a world famous painter started to lose her eyesight.
Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.

After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored.

The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her
gratitude by repainting the doctor's office.

Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall.

When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of
art -- the doctor's office.

During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor,

"What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye
on the wall?"

The eye doctor responded, "I said to myself, 'Thank God I'm not a proctologist.'
 

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Another new Illness to watch out for ...

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"So, what's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"And what the helI is anal glaucoma?"
"I just can't see my ass coming into work today."
 

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“Didn’t you suspect burglars had been in the house when you saw all the drawers pulled out and
the contents scattered all over the floor?” asked the policeman.
“No, I just thought my husband had been looking for a clean shirt,” replied the woman.
 

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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to heIl?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
 

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I understand that a relationship with three people is called a threesome. And a relationship with two people is called a twosome. Now I understand why, when I was a teenager, everyone called me handsome.
 
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A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, so?" said the officer.

"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"
 

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Q: What do you call a monkey with bananas in both ears?

A: Anything you want -- he can't hear you!
 

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This morning I went to sign my Dog up for welfare. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare". So I explained to her that my Dog is a mix in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and has no frigging clue who his Daddy is. He expects me to feed him, provide him with housing and medical care, and feel guilty because he is a dog.
So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. My Dog gets his first check next Friday.
Damn this is a great country.
 

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A Saudi Prince went to Germany to study.
A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying: "Berlin is wonderful, people are nice
and I really like it here, but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes
when all my teachers travel by train."
Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million dollar check saying:
"Stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too”!
 

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There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him.

They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel -- they said, because it was bigger.

One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger or what?"

Slowly, Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and Johnny said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've saved $20!"
 

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A priest was sent to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing. The priest said that it was a really lonely job and that he didn't think that he could have made it without his Rosary and two martinis each day. With that the priest said to the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with me?" The Bishop said, "Yes, that would be nice." The priest turned around and hollered toward the kitchen, "Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please?"
 

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Trying to control her frizzy and dry hair, Kay treated her scalp with olive oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave an odor than that her hair obviously needed it, she washed her hair several times with strong soap.

That night when Kay went to bed, she leaned over to her husband and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?"

"Why ?" he asked, pulling back. "Do I smell like Popeye?"
 

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The teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he says, "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three."

"Four," answers little Johnny.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

Little Johnny smiles and says, "Jack."
 

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Mary comes home rather late. “Oh, sweetheart,” she called, “your car’s on Maple Street.”
“Why didn’t you bring it home?” her husband asked.
“Couldn’t, she said. “It’s too dark out there to find all the parts.”
 

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They always say that Albert Einstein was a genius.
Then how come when anyone ever calls you that, its an insult:
You dont know where you parked the car? Good job, Einstein.
 

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Sign in pet store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
 

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On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery.
There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.
 

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I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
 

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"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"
 

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Why do we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"
 
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