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Corollaries to Murphy's Law

Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Everything takes longer than you think.
Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most
severe damage will be the one to go wrong.
Every solution breeds new problems.
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
 

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Corollaries to Murphy's Law

Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Everything takes longer than you think.
Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most
severe damage will be the one to go wrong.
Every solution breeds new problems.
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
That is one of my most used sayings. "Nothing is ever easy" Once you have lived to an order age, and have worked with your hands most of your life, you understand these things clearly.
 

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It was the middle of the night. Suddenly there was a loud rapping on the doctor’s door, followed by a groan. The doctor angrily thrust his head out of the window. “WELL?” he shouted.
“No,” moaned the man. “Sick.”
 

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When Jane reached the checkout counter, she learned that one
of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when
the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the
store to hear, "Price check on Tampax, supersize please."

As if that was not bad enough, somebody at the rear of the
store misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "thumbtacks."

In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the
intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb
or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"
 

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"OLD" IS WHEN - Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
 

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"OLD" IS WHEN - You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN - You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN - "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today

"OLD" IS WHEN - "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN - An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.

"OLD" IS WHEN - You are not sure these are jokes.
 

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History Teacher: "Why was George Washington standing in the bow of the boat
as the army crossed the Delaware?"
Student: "Because he knew if he sat down, he would have to row."
 

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Doctor: Do you exercise?

Me: I'm a runner. I run from my problems, I run late, and I run my mouth.
 

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"I bet you don't know what day this is", said the wife to her husband as he made his way out the front door. The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker:

"Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?" With that, he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.

At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfied that he had recovered what could have been a very bad situation.

His wife was indeed surprised: "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed, "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"
 

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** How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?

** How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to climb the ladder,
one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

** If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them,
would you go to lunch or read the paper?
 

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What she Really Means

I need = I want

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper...

I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really going to hate

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

I was wrong = Not as wrong as you

Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it

Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep

I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling, this is important!
 

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Eagles may soar but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
 

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Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face.

The other guy asked, "Why are you crying?"

The first one replied, "I came here for blood test."

The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?"

The first guy replied, "No. Not that. During the blood test they cut my finger."

Hearing this, the second one started crying.

The first one was astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?"

Then the second guy replied, "I have come for a urine test."
 

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An elderly priest was speaking to a younger priest. "You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm! The front of the church always fills first now."
As the young priest nodded, the old priest continued, You also told me to assign a little more beat to the music because it would bring young people back to church. So, I supported you when you bought in that rock n' roll Gospel choir. Now, our services are consistently packed.
"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."
"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest. "But, I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."
"But Father," protested the young priest. "My confessions and donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"
"Yes," replied, the elderly priest. "I appreciate that, but the flashing neon sign, "Toot 'n Tell or Go to HeIl" cannot stay on the church roof!"
 

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A man and his son were standing in line at the bank. In front of them was a very large woman. The boy tugged on his father's pant leg and said "My God dad, she's really fat".

"Be quiet and don't embarrass me" replied the father.

Then all of a sudden the woman's pager goes off and the boy furiously pulls at his father and says, "DADDY! WATCH OUT! SHE'S BACKING UP!"
 

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Q: What do you get if you enroll in a liberal arts program and the only subject you do well in is music?
A: A natural major.
 

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In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.
And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.'
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.
And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.
 

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Raising chickens isn't easy.
You have to think outside the boks.
 

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One day, a man was walking down the street when he saw a genie lamp in a nearby alley.
Excitedly, he picked it up and rubbed it. A genie came out and said,
"I will grant you three wishes, Master!"

The man was so happy, his first wish was, "I want a billion dollars!!!!!!"

"Your wish has been granted, a billion dollars is now in your bank account."

The man was even happier. "I want a beautiful woman!"

"Your wish has been granted," the genie said and a beautiful woman appeared!

"This is great!" said the man. Not wanting to waste his last wish, he decided to think
about it for awhile longer. "I can't think of another wish right now, can I tell you later?"

"Make it so, whenever you say your wish, it will be granted."

The next day, the man was driving down the road, as happy as ever. He heard a popular
commercial song on the radio and decided to sing along with it.

"Oooooh, I wish I were an Oscar-Mayer weinerrr......"
 

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Q: What do you call a blonde in the freezer?
A: A Frosted Flake.
 
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