Graybeard Outdoors banner

5061 - 5080 of 5106 Posts

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,886 Posts
Discussion Starter #5,061
A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion
"Later, the lion confronts a wildebeest and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified wildebeest stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times, making the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon.
The elephant then stomped on the lion until it looked like a corn tortilla and then ambled away.
The lion let out a moan of pain, lifted his head weakly and hollered after the elephant, "Geez, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed off!"
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,886 Posts
Discussion Starter #5,062
Do you know why New Yorkers are always so depressed?
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,886 Posts
Discussion Starter #5,063
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. 'What are you doing?' his mother asked. 'The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken' the boy explained. 'I'm looking for the seal.'
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,886 Posts
Discussion Starter #5,064
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, 'There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens.' 'How did you know?' his mother asked. 'Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,' he replied. 'I think it's printed on the bottom.'
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,886 Posts
Discussion Starter #5,065
Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,886 Posts
Discussion Starter #5,066
Customer: Do you have and cockroaches?

Clerk: Yes we sell them to the fisherman.

Customer: I would like 20,000 of them.

Clerk: What would you want with 20,000 cockroaches?

Customer: I’m moving tomorrow and my lease says I must leave my apartment
in the condition in which I found it.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,886 Posts
Discussion Starter #5,068
Q: What did the horse say when he fell?
A: I've fallen and I can't giddy up!
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,886 Posts
Discussion Starter #5,069
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,886 Posts
Discussion Starter #5,070
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.
"Get well soon.....From the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,886 Posts
Discussion Starter #5,071
Did you hear about the shoe factory that burnt down?

Two hundred soles were lost.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,886 Posts
Discussion Starter #5,072
His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.

"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.

"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,886 Posts
Discussion Starter #5,073
If they didn't have Ringo, they'd have been the Beatless.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,886 Posts
Discussion Starter #5,074
Two men sitting on a train are talking. One guy says, "Did you hear the one about the two Jews who are walking down the street..."
The other guy says, "Hold it! Why are you always telling jokes about Jews? I find it offensive. Why must they always be about Jews?"
"You're right," his friend replies and starts the joke again: "So, these two Chinese guys are walking down the street on the way to their nephew's bar mitzvah..."
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,886 Posts
Discussion Starter #5,075
Odd signs...
These signs have allegedly been spotted in public use.

Sign in a London department store: Bargain basement upstairs.

In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

In an office: After tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

English sign in a German cafe: Mothers, please wash your hans before eating.

Outside a secondhand shop: We exchange anything--bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

Sign outside a new town hall to be opened by the Prince of Wales: The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.

Outside a photographer's studio: Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also.

Seen at the side of a Sussex road: Slow cattle crossing, no overtaking for the next 100 yrs.

Outside a disco: Smart is the most exclusive disco in town, everyone welcome.

Sign warning of quicksand: Quicksand, any person passing this point will be drowned, by order of the district council.

Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish: Due to increasing problems with the letter louts and vandals, we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.

Notice in a dry cleaner's window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

Sign on motorway garage: Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is.

Spotted in a safari park: Elephants, please stay in your car.

Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

Sign on a repair shop door: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door, the bell doesn't work.)

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: Toilet out of order please use floor below.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,886 Posts
Discussion Starter #5,076
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,886 Posts
Discussion Starter #5,077
A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."
Bartender: "Yeah! Sure...go ahead."
Man: "What covers a house?"
Dog: "Roof!"
Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"
Dog: "Rough!"
Man: "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"
Dog: "Ruth!"
Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."
The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,886 Posts
Discussion Starter #5,078
Wife: Okay, today's Friday. Where's your pay envelope?
Man: I already spent all my pay. I bought something for the house.

Wife: What? What could you buy for the house that cost $480?

Man: Eight rounds of drinks.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,886 Posts
Discussion Starter #5,079
Our generation never got a break. When we were young they taught us to respect our elders. Now that we are older, they tell us to listen to the youth of the country.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,886 Posts
Discussion Starter #5,080
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.
With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.
Shortly there after he met a Rednek who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Rednek and asked for permission to marry one of them.
The Rednek simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Rednek asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."
The Rednek nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the Rednek again asked how things went.
"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell..cross-eyed."
The Rednek nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,
"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the Ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the Rednek...
"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell.... pregnant when you met her."
 
5061 - 5080 of 5106 Posts
Top