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Discussion Starter · #5,601 ·
A Father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"

"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," he replies.

To this his friend responds "Strange ambition to have for a career."

"Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"
 

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Discussion Starter · #5,602 ·
After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die.

No amount of talking was helping. His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted.

In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Daddy, do it again!!!"
 

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Discussion Starter · #5,603 ·
An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, gee, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor! Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
 

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Discussion Starter · #5,604 ·
The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later.

Finally, at about 3:00 a.m., she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk, trying to navigate the stairs.

"Do you realize what time it is?" she said.

He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house."

Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she said, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"

"A round of drinks!"
 

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Discussion Starter · #5,605 ·
Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea.

"I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous."

"My Billy used to do the same thing," the older woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit."

"How?"

"I hid his teeth."
 

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Discussion Starter · #5,606 ·
If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5,607 ·
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. You don't want to try these techniques at home.

“Why not?” asked somebody from the audience.

“I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?”

“Did it save time?” the guy in the audience asked.

“Actually, yes”, replied the expert. “It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven.”
 

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Discussion Starter · #5,608 ·
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said its H to O!
 

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Discussion Starter · #5,609 ·
Years ago someone in California hollered “Gold,” and people drove from all directions. That’s the way they still drive in California.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5,610 ·
While riding the bus, my mother noticed a young man, who was holding onto the same pole, staring at her. Eventually, he said, “Excuse me. This is my stop.”

Since she wasn't blocking his way, she was confused.

“Well,” she said, “go ahead.”

“And this is my pole,” he said.

My mother was completely perplexed until the young man added, “I just bought it at the hardware store to hold up my shower curtain.”
 

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Discussion Starter · #5,611 ·
Two brothers laid off from womens underwear factory go and interview at another factory. One brother goes in comes out and says "they are going to pay me $19 an hour to start". The other brother goes in for his interview, the man says "we will hire you for $13 and hour". He responds, my brother said you were hiring him for $19 to start". The personnel man says "that's because he said he's a diesel fitter". The second brother says, he's no diesel fitter, we worked at the womens underwear factory; I sewed the elastic on, he took them and if he could pull them over his head; he took them off and said "Dees-el fit her!" and sent them down the line.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5,612 ·
A Sunday school teacher asked her students to draw a picture of their favorite Old Testament story. As she moved around the class, she saw there were many wonderful drawings being done. Then she came across the drawing of one little boy. He was busy drawing a man driving an old car. In the backseat were two passengers—both scantily dressed.”
"It's a lovely picture,” prompted the teacher, “but which story does it tell?”
The little boy seemed surprised at the question. “Well,” he exclaimed, “doesn't it say in the Bible that God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden?”
 

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Discussion Starter · #5,613 ·
You might be a rednek if...


You see a sign that says "bridge out" and you try to jump it.

You go to your local pet shop for a cat scan.

Warp drive describes the condition of your car.

Your smoke detector doubles as your dinner bell.

You pull up to a gas station in a limo to buy a can of Skoal.

Your boyfriend gives you car parts for your birthday and you like it.

Raccoons get into everyone else's trash but yours.

When you say, "Let's hit the hay," you actually MEAN it.

You can feed a family of five on ONE McDonald's Extra Value Meal.

Your kids LIKE the Arch Deluxe hamburger at McDonalds.

You have a clawfoot bathtub.

You've ever been arrested for bootleggin'.

You spell out NASCAR in Christmas lights.

Your idea of good fishing involves the use of a boat, a net and dynamite.

Burger King won't let you do it your way, right away.

You can remember the entire NASCAR series schedule but can't remember your wifeâs birthday, kids birthday, or anniversary.

You can remember every NASCAR driver and their car number but can't remember how old your children are.

Your idea of going to see a play involves goal posts.

You think a computer hacker carries an axe.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5,614 ·
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an 'A' when he had barely written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"
 

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Discussion Starter · #5,615 ·
When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid,
remember these quips.

Missing a layer of insulation in his attic.
Monorail doesn't go all the way to Tomorrowland.
Mooring lines don't reach the dock.
More marbles in a spray-paint can than brains in his head.
Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral.
Moves his lips to pretend he's reading.
Must have ignored a knock-down pitch.
Nearly on a higher plane, but lost his boarding pass.
Needs another brain to make half-wit.
Needs both hands to wipe his behind.
Needs front end alignment.
Needs his disk checked/reformatted.
Needs his sleeves lengthened by a couple of feet so they can be tied in the back.
Network constantly loses packets.
Neurons are firing non-sequentially.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5,616 ·
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, “Do you think I'll live to be 80?”

He asked, “Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?”

“Oh no,” I replied. “I'm not doing drugs, either.”

Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”

I said, “No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy.”

“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?”

“No, I don't,” I said.

He asked, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?”

“No,” I said. “I don't do any of those things.”

He looked at me and said, “Then why do you give a damn."
 

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Discussion Starter · #5,617 ·
At school one morning the teacher asked little Johnny what he had for breakfast. Little Johnny said, well, on my way to school I come cross this Apple tree, so I climbed up there and started eating apples. I guess I eat about six, said little Johnny. No, said the teacher, it’s ate! Little Johnny said well it could've been eight I don't remember.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5,618 ·
The ocean was once fresh water but Chuck Norris likes his shrimp salty.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5,619 ·
A priest from Ireland was assigned to a Texas diocese.
One morning, Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:
"Good morning, this is Sergeant Jones, how might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's . There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple O yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
 

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Discussion Starter · #5,620 ·
A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?"
The trainer replied; “Use the ATM outside the gym!!!"
 
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