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Discussion Starter · #5,941 ·
A lawyer, an economist, and a teacher were going to the bathroom. The lawyer gets done, washes his hands, and then proceeds to use almost the entire roll of paper towels to dry his hands and says, “I was taught to be thorough.”
The economist gets done, washes his hands, but uses only one paper towel. He says, “I was taught to be environmentally friendly.”
The teacher gets done and leaves without washing his hands. He says, “I was taught not to pee on my hands.”
 

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Discussion Starter · #5,942 ·
The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."
He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."
Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. "Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he typed. "Please send us two of them."
 

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Discussion Starter · #5,943 ·
One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in
all his life.

By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes... Bear, you go first."

The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on.

The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine.

The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish this bear was gay..."
 

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Discussion Starter · #5,944 ·
A man's car stalled on a country road one morning. When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his story.
"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer. "Yes, yes," the man replied.
"Oh! I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't know a thing about cars."
 

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Discussion Starter · #5,945 ·
I asked my wife the other day what she liked best about me....

"Is it my firm, trim, athletic, body? Or, rather, is it my astounding intellect?"

She replied....

"Your sense of humor, dear."
 

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Discussion Starter · #5,946 ·
Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and begin to eat.
Seeing this, the angry bartender approaches them and says, 'Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!'
The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5,947 ·
Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to the airport. After verifying his seat number with the counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he'd have to wait an additional three hours in the airport.
"How come?," his nephew asked.
"My plane has been grounded," Brendan explained.
"Grounded?" the little boy said. "I didn't know planes had parents."
 

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Discussion Starter · #5,948 ·
Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?
A: Because they don't know the words.
Q: Where does a blackbird go for a drink?
A: To a crow bar.
Q: Why was the crow perched on a telephone wire?
A: He was going to make a long-distance caw.
Q: Is it good manners to eat fried chicken with your fingers?
A: No, you should eat your fingers separately.
Q: Why do hens lay eggs?
A: If they dropped them, they'd break.
Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea?
A: Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5,949 ·
Did you hear about that cat who swallowed a ball of yarn?
She had mittens!
 

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Discussion Starter · #5,950 · (Edited)
In Texas , there is a town called New Braunfels , where there is a large German-speaking population. One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.

The rancher rolled down the window, and shouted, "Sehr angenehm! Trink das wasser nicht. Die Kuehe haben hinein geschissen." Which means: ("Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows have pooped in it.")

The man shouted back, "I'm from New York , and just down here campaigning for Obama's health care plan. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."

The rancher replied, "Use both hands. You'll get more."
 

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Discussion Starter · #5,951 ·
This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast food establishment.
Not sure if they hired him....

NAME - Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION - Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY - $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION - Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD - Reclining on my mom's couch.

SALARY - Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT - My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING - It sucked

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK - Any

PREFERRED HOURS - 1:30 - 3:30 pm, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE? Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising
 

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Discussion Starter · #5,952 ·
A man suffered a heart attack and had by-pass surgery. He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him how he was going to pay the bill.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he has money in the bank.

He replied "No money in the bank."

The nun asked " Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said "Just a spinster sister who is a nun."

The nun, slightly preturbed, said "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law!"
 

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Discussion Starter · #5,953 ·
Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antique stores?

A: “I remember these”.
 

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Or I used to have one of these when I was a little......
 
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Discussion Starter · #5,955 ·
Q: What do you call a bunch of rabbits in a row all hopping backwards?
A: A receding hare line.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5,956 ·
It all started with an iPhone...
My son celebrated his 16th birthday in April,
and I bought him an iPhone. He simply loved it.
I celebrated my birthday in May, and I was really pleased to get an ipad from my wife.
My daughter's birthday was in November, so I got her an iPod Touch.
My wife's birthday was celebrated in February, so I got her an iRon.
It was around that time the fights started...
What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.
This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.
I should be out of the hospital next week!!
iHurt
 

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Discussion Starter · #5,957 · (Edited)
An old man goes to the doctors to find out wats wrong with his wife, he's nearly stone deaf and the doctor says to him, your wife has a sophisticated fanny, and if she had a baby it would be a miracle. The old man says thank you to the doctor and goes home. His wife said well what did he say? He said you have a fishcake up your fanny and if you have a baby it will be a mackerel.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5,958 ·
The other night I was out for Happy Hour with a few friends. After consuming too m any brews and knowing full well that I was wasted , I did something I've never done before. Believe it or not, I took a bus home. Yes , a bus.

I arrived home safely and without incident.

This was really a surprise to me, since I have never driven a bus before.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5,959 ·
"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client.
"First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's dress."

"Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is down to 140!"
 

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Discussion Starter · #5,960 ·
Sauer and Tolbert went to the zoo and watched in awe as a lion let loose with a spine-tingling roar. "Let's get out of here!" said Sauer.
"Go on, if'n you want to," said the other rednek. "But Ah'm stayin' for the whole movie!"
 
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