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Discussion Starter · #6,241 ·
Trying to control her frizzy and dry hair, Kay treated her scalp with olive oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave an odor than that her hair obviously needed it, she washed her hair several times with strong soap.

That night when Kay went to bed, she leaned over to her husband and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?"

"Why ?" he asked, pulling back. "Do I smell like Popeye?"
 

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Discussion Starter · #6,242 ·
Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes.

After lunch, they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.
Much to their relief she smiled, and said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."
Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down.

Then she said, "First Question: Which tire was flat?"
 

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Discussion Starter · #6,243 ·
There was a young couple living in an old run down house. One day the man gets home from work and his wife says, “Honey, look at the walls. They haven't been painted as long as we have lived here. It's peeling and cracking; couldn't you please just paint them?”
“Who do I look like? Michelangelo?” the man replies.

“I guess not”, says the wife.

The next day the man gets back from work again. Again his wife starts to complain. “Oh sugar, couldn't you just please at least repair the stairs? They're falling apart and they're really unsafe to walk up.”

The man says, “Who do I look like? Frank Lloyd Wright?”

“Well, maybe not,” says the wife.

The next week the man returns from his job. He walks into his house and is suddenly amazed. The stairs are fixed, the walls were painted and the house looked superb. “Honey…..How did you do this? It looks great!” he says. “Well I met up with a handyman down the street. He offered to repair our house if I either bake him a batch of brownies or sleep with him” says the wife.

“Well, honey, you baked the batch of brownies, right?”

The wife replies, “Who do I look like, Sara Lee?”
 

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Discussion Starter · #6,244 ·
A man walked into the ladies' department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquired the man. "There is more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras," she replied. Confused, the man asked what the types were. The saleslady replied, "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, the Presbyterian type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"
Still confused, the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"
The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple...the Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6,245 ·
Did you hear the joke about the jump rope? Neah! Skip it!
 

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Discussion Starter · #6,247 ·
Sam : You know what, it's really easy to get a divorce in the Middle East. A man is just required to say "I divorce you" to his wife 3 times and it's done!
Jack : It's even easier in the US. All a man has to say is "Yeah, that dress makes your butt look fat" once.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6,248 ·
A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly looses engine power and the aircraft begins to decent. The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them.

Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door. The pilots screams at him, "Didn't you hear what I said? The aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed!"

"Of course I heard you," the man replied, "but it's also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!!"
 

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Discussion Starter · #6,249 ·
After a bizarre cliff side accident, all eleven members of the women's outing found themselves hanging perilously from a rope over the edge of the cliff.
Ten of the women were blondes and one was a brunette.

After dangling there for a only a short while it became obvious that the rope would not hold all their collective weight.

They decided that to prevent the rope snapping and killing them all, one of them must sacrifice themselves and let go, to save the others.

Well, they talked about it for a while but no one could decide a fair way of choosing who should jump.

Finally, the brunette, exasperated by the indecisiveness of the blondes, could see that if nobody acted soon the rope was going to snap.

To save the others she bravely decided that it must be her who made the sacrifice.

She plucked up a little courage and told the others that she would jump to save them.

After giving a short but very moving speech that she hoped would be remembered after she'd gone, the blondes were so moved that they all started clapping!
 

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Discussion Starter · #6,250 ·
The teacher was discussing natural history with her class of eight-year old kids.
She began by saying, "Do you know Worker ants can carry food particles that are five times their own weight. What is to be learnt from this?"
A kid raised his hand and replied: "They don't have a union."
 

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Discussion Starter · #6,251 ·
The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.
When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, “The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued.”
 

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Discussion Starter · #6,252 ·
Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, “That’s because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it." The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."
 

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Discussion Starter · #6,253 ·
Why is it that you shouldn't yell into a Collander?
Because you'll strain your voice!
 

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Bird Font Line Red Beak
 
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Discussion Starter · #6,255 ·
The road by my house was in bad condition. Every day I dodged potholes on the way to work, so I was relieved to see a construction crew working on the road one morning.
Later, on my way home, I noticed the men were gone and no improvement in the road. But where the crew had been working stood a new, bright-yellow sign with the words “Rough Road.”
 

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Discussion Starter · #6,256 ·
A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking as though he'd just escaped a tornado.
“What's wrong?” a woman asked.

“I just lost a game to Houlihan,” the pro said.

“What? But Houlihan's the worst player I've ever seen. How could he have beaten you?”

“He tricked me,” the pro said. “On the first tee, he asked for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes- any handicap he wanted.

He said, ‘Just give me two gotchas.”

“What's a gotcha?” asked the woman. “That's what I wanted to know,” the pro said. “Houlihan said, ‘You'll see.' Then, as I was teeing off, just as I had my club poised, he screamed out ‘Gotcha!'”

“I can guess what happened,” the woman said.

“Sure,” the pro said. “The scream threw me off, and I missed the ball completely.”

“Understandable,” the woman said. “But still, that's only one swing. How did he win the game?”

The pro answered, “You try swinging at a golf ball all day while waiting for that second ‘gotcha!'”
 

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Discussion Starter · #6,257 ·
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, “Three million dollars.”

“Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer.”
 

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Discussion Starter · #6,258 ·
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, 'Good trade.'
 

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Discussion Starter · #6,259 ·
A guy goes to a travel agent to book a three-week cruise for himself and his wife. A few days before the cruise, the travel agent informs the guy that the cruise is canceled, but he can get them on a seven-day cruise instead. The guy agrees & goes to the the drug store to buy seven medicines for motion sickness and seven condoms.

The next day, the agent calls again to inform now he can book them on 10-day cruise. The guy gives his confirmation and goes back to the drug store to buy three more medicines for motion sickness and three more condoms.

Two days later, the travel agent calls once again to inform that he has a 15-day cruise available now & whether the guy would be interested in taking it. The guy again says he is ok with it & goes back to the drug store to buy five more medicines for motion sickness and 5 more condoms.
Finally, the attendant at the drug store asks him, "Man, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"
 

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This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.

Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. “I can't believe you're aking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself.”

So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.

The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, “You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?”

“Huh? I thought you were out of town.”
 
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