Graybeard Outdoors banner
6561 - 6580 of 6631 Posts

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,634 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6,563 ·
A big Texan is walking down the main street of Ballinclashett and encounters Liam standing on the pavement beside a big strong horse.
This prompts the Texan to attempt to realise a lifelong dream and he says to Liam, "Say Boy, that's a fine-lookin horse you got there, and I'd like to tour this beautiful country on horseback so's I can see the sights and hear the sounds of the countryside like they did in the old days. I'll buy that horse off of ya, how much ya want."
Liam says, "O sure and you don't want to be messin with this horse he don't look too good these days."
"Hey, Boy," says the Texan, "Don't you try to tell me what's a good lookin' horse an what isn't. I been tradin' horses all my life long and there ain't nothin a young country boy like you can tell me about em. Now you jes name yer price and we'll get along fine."
"I'm sayin' to ye that this horse is not a good lookin horse mister and ye don't want any part of 'im," says Liam.
The Texan is getting angry now. "Listen up Boy, he says, you leave me be the judge of what's good lookin and what's not and jes give me the price and I'll pay cash right here and now."
"Oh well," says Liam, "Two-thousand of your American dollars then."
"Deal!" says the Texan and he hands over the money, Liam unties the horse and the Texan leads him off.
The horse walks smack into the first lampost in the way, and the Texan turns to Liam and says, "Hey, Boy, you a durned swindler, you didn' tell me this here horse was blind!"
"I keep tellin' you he don't look too good," says Liam, "and you kept saying that's none of my business, so in the end I gave up."
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,634 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6,564 ·
Did you hear about the race in the garden?
The hose was running, the lettuce was a head and
the tomato was trying to ketchup!
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,634 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6,565 ·
Not so famous last words:

1. It's fireproof.
2. He's probably just hibernating.
3. What does this button do?
4. It's probably just a rash.
5. Are you sure the power is off?
6. The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
7. Pull the pin and count to what?
8. Which wire was I supposed to cut?
9. I wonder where the mother bear is.
10. I've seen this done on TV.
11. These are the good kind of mushrooms.
12. I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
13. Let it down slowly.
14. It's strong enough for both of us.
15. This doesn't taste right.
16. I can make this light before it changes.
17. Nice doggie.
18. I can do that with my eyes closed.
19. I've done this before.
20. What duck?
21. Well, we've made it this far.
22. That's odd.
23. Don't be so superstitious.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,634 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6,566 ·
Once a terrible golfer hit a ball onto an ant hill. He went over the ant hill to hit the ball. No matter how hard he tried, all the golfer managed to do was to hit the ant hill and kill many ants.
At last, only two ants remained. One turned to the other and said, “If we want to stay alive, we’d better get on the ball!”
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,634 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6,568 ·
For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen.
The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, "Leave me alone!"
They both jumped back, silenced. "Whaa??" the teacher blubbered.
Then I typed, "I said leave me alone!"
The kid got really upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.
Me: "Don't touch me!"
Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."
Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc.
Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,634 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6,569 ·
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview. The brunette is the first one to go in, and after filling out the forms and going through the questions, the interviewer decides to ask her last question:
"How many D's are there in "INDIANA JONES""? The brunette thinks for a second and responds "One".
The interviewer sends her back with a promise that he'll get back to her after he had interviewed the remaining candidates.
The redhead is next. The process goes about the same, and at the end: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES"? She immediately says "One". The interviewer says, "OK, we'll let you know".
Then the blonde comes into the room, goes through the questions, and finally gets asked: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES". She gets a very serious look on her face and starts counting her fingers, muttering: "2, 4, 6 ...., hmmm - wait,... 2, 4, 6 .... can I borrow your calculator please?"
After going through 15 minutes of intense calculating, she finally comes up with the answer: "Thirty two"
The interviewer is stunned and asks her: "Ok, now tell me, how the **** did you arrive at this answer?"
She starts singing "Da Da Dah Dahhh Dah Dah Da Da Dah Dahh Dah Dah ..."
(The theme song for Indiana Jones)
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,634 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6,570 ·
All of his life Len from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.
So when Len's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Len stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned!
Corky just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Len went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake, like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked Len straight in the eyes, and said, "Because, you idiot, your father, grandfather and great grandfather was born in January, you were born in July."
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,634 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6,571 ·
Back a few years ago, I went over to my neighbors house.(She was a blonde), and for some reason she was mad at the world. She had locked herself in the bathroom and was threatening suicide.I said, "Come on, you know you don't want to do this!"
She said, "I damn well do wanna do this, nobody wants me alive anyways."

For some reason I actually believed her and pushed through the door, and saw she had a rope tied to around her ankles.I asked "Are you really trying to hang yourself?"
"Yeah, so what?"
"Well, usually when people hang themselves they tie the rope around their necks"
"Yeah, well, I tried that, but then I couldn't breathe."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
701 Posts
RMS Titanic was a British passenger liner, operated by the White Star Line, which sank in the North Atlantic Ocean on 15 April 1912 after striking an iceberg during her maiden voyage from Southampton, UK, to New York City. It was carrying a shipment of food products headed to Mexico. It took almost 3 weeks for the news to reach Mexico. When they learned of the loss of their favorite import from England, mayonnaise, a day of mourning was announced by the government and to this day the people of Mexico still remember their loss on May 5, calling it the day of “Sinko de Mayo”.
 
  • Haha
Reactions: Ex 49er

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,634 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6,573 ·
Teacher: “Little Johnny, please spell the word 'pole'.”
Little Johnny: “P-O-L.”
Teacher: “But what is at the end of it?”
Little Johnny: “Electrical Wires, but I can’t spell that yet.”
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,634 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6,574 ·
My wife, Judy, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet.
Finally, I got around to doing it while Judy was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came home and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.
Judy wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.)
Judy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them I just never saw one mounted and framed."
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,634 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6,575 ·
I was having trouble with my computer so I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An ID ten Terror? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.’
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like the little sh*t.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,634 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6,576 ·
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered ... It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patients dressing which said, "Sorry, but I had to mow the lawn."
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,634 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6,577 ·
An Irish daughter had not been home for several years. Upon her return, her father cussed her "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us ? Not even a line. Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?".
The girl, crying, replied, Sniff, sniff...."Dad, I became a prostitute..."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family, so yer are."
"OK, Daddy-- as ye wish. I just came back to give Mammy this luxurious fur coat and title deed to a ten room mansion. For me little brother Seamus this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club........................... (takes a breath)..... ........ and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my yacht in the Caribbean and... ."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.
Girl, crying again, Sniff, sniff.... "A prostitute Daddy!" Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Leap'in Leprechauns!! Ye scared me half to death girl! I thought ye said a PROTESTANT. Come here and give yer old Daddy a big hug.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,634 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6,578 ·
A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home unexpectedly so she puts her lover in the closet with the little boy.
Little boy: "Dark in here."
Lover: "Yes, it is."
Little Boy: "I have a baseball"
Lover: "That's nice."
Little boy: "Want to buy it?"
Lover: "No, thanks."
Little boy: “My dad's outside."
Lover: "OK, how much?"
Little boy: "$25.00"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet.
Little boy: "Dark in here."
Lover: "Yes, it is."
Little boy: "I have a baseball mitt."
Lover: "How much?"
Little boy: "$75.00"
Lover: "Fine."
His father asks him about the missing ball and the mitt. The boy says
"I sold them."
"How much did you sell then for?"
"$100.00"
"That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and he closes the door.
The boy says: "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that again."
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,634 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6,579 ·
Mr. Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat. While he is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which he was keeping the lug nuts. The nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.
He is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing.

"Hey, pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels and use them to replace the missing ones? That'll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage or something."
Mr. Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident. Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. "You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?"

The patient smiles and says, "I'm in here because I'm crazy, not because I'm stupid."
 
6561 - 6580 of 6631 Posts
Top