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Discussion Starter · #6,622 ·
Panicking when her toddler swallowing a tiny magnet; my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.
"He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two."
"How will I be sure?" she pressed.
"Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know."
 

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Discussion Starter · #6,623 ·
A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching TV. The wife looks at the husband and he is staring at the ceiling above her head, she looks up and asks, "What are you staring at?"
"A spider," he replies.
"I don't see anything," she says.
"Oh, it must have fallen on your head," he said calmly.
The wife jumps up screaming...
The man says, "While you're up, can you get me another beer?"
 

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Discussion Starter · #6,624 ·
One day, Mom was cleaning junior's room, and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.
She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."
 

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Discussion Starter · #6,625 ·
An Irish man walks in to a bar with bandages all round his feet.
His friend asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well," he said, "it all started with a can of soup which said on it 'open can and stand in boiling water for ten minutes'... so i did."
 

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Discussion Starter · #6,626 ·
A truck loaded with Vick’s VapoRub overturned on the highway.
Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6,627 ·
A milkman who is dying in the hospital is surrounded his two sons, daughter and his wife and nurse.
Says to his eldest son: "To you, Peter, I leave the Beverly terrace."
"To you, my dear daughter, I leave the apartments in the High street Plaza."
"To you, Charlie, being my youngest son with a large future, I leave the City Centre offices."

"And you, my dear wife, the three residential buildings towers in down town."
The nurse, impressed, tells his wife: "Madam, your husband is very rich. He is bequeathing many properties! You all are so lucky!!"
And the wife retorts: "Rich? Lucky?? Are you kidding??!! Those are his routes where he delivers milk!"
 

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Discussion Starter · #6,628 ·
Judge: Silence in court! The next person who laughs again will be thrown out of court.
Accused: Hahahaha
Judge: I wasn't talking to you!
 

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Discussion Starter · #6,629 ·
The CEO of IKEA was just elected president in Sweden.
He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6,630 ·
A man is driving down a country road when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."
 

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Discussion Starter · #6,633 ·
Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.
 

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There is a subtle but important difference between the words "complete" and "finished."

When you marry the right one, you are complete.

When you marry the wrong one, you are finished.

And if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are completely finished.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6,635 ·
After hearing a speech on how to motivate employees, the business owner posted signs that read "Do It Now" in every department. It was impossible for the employees not to see them all through the day.
A friend dropped by a week later. Seeing the signs, he asked if the scheme really worked.
"Well," said the business owner, "not exactly the way I thought it would. My accountant ran off with $250,000, the office manager eloped with my secretary and the rest of the employees asked for raises."
 

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Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him “tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from zero to 200 in 6 seconds and IT BETTER BE THERE!”
The next morning She saw a big gift wrapped box in their driveway. She rushed out, opened it And found a brand new bathroom scale…..

Bob has been missing since Friday.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6,637 ·
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6,638 ·
I’m not going to say who…. but a friend just called us and asked if we would loan her $1300 to help pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I’m always willing to help out friends & family even if I'm strapped for cash.
I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back, her brother called to let me know that she was lying and not to give her the money!! He went on to say that the real reason she wanted the $1300 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she could be under the same roof as him for his birthday.
I thought about it for a minute and decided to give her the money anyway because we all need help at times.
A couple of hours later I get a call from the police station. It was her - crying, screaming and asking why I gave her counterfeit money
My response…. so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!
 

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Discussion Starter · #6,639 ·
Someone broke into my garage last night and took a bunch of stuff, including my limbo stick!
Seriously, how low can you go?
 

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Discussion Starter · #6,640 ·
I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6-year-old son wasn't actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
 
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