Graybeard Outdoors banner
6861 - 6880 of 6907 Posts

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,967 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6,862 ·
....I took the day off work and decided to go out golfing. I was on the second hole when I noticed a frog sitting next to the green. I thought nothing of it and was about to shoot when I heard, "Ribbit 9 Iron." I looked around and did not see anyone.

Again, I hear, "Ribbit 9 Iron." I looked at the frog and decided to prove the frog wrong, put my club away, and grabed a 9 iron. Boom! I hit it 10 inches from the cup! I was shocked and said to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replied, "Ribbit Lucky frog." I decided to take the frog with me to the next hole. "What do you think frog?," I asked "Ribbit 3 wood." I took out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one! I was befuddled and did not know what to say!

By the end of the day, the I had golfed the best game of my like and asked the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replied, "Ribbit Las Vegas." We went to Las Vegas and I said, "OK frog, now what?" The frog said, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, I asked the frog "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replied, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, I figure what the heck...Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. I took my winnings and got the best room in the hotel.

I sat the frog down and said, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replied, "Ribbit Kiss Me." I figure why not, since the frog had done so much for me, he deserves it. With a kiss, that frog turned into a gorgeous 18 year old woman.

"And that, your honor, is how the woman ended up in my room, so help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,967 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6,863 ·
A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse." "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,967 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6,864 ·
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,967 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6,865 ·
The nurse was administering medication to an elderly patient. "Hi, I have your medication for you. I'm going to give you some Pepcid for your stomach, but I'm putting it in your IV."
The patient looked a bit perplexed. "Okay, Um, I have a question."
"Oh, what's your question?"
"Well, I hope you don't mind me asking, but I was just wondering...why Pepsi and not Coke?"
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,967 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6,866 ·
When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale.

Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded. "Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, .... 'Jose, can you see?'"
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,967 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6,867 ·
At the Sunday morning church service, the minister asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a Praise.
Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle crash and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was terrible and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from all the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every movement caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a very delicate operation, which lasted for over five hours, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery that was performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, after six weeks, Tom is now out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief.
The minister rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom."
The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,967 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6,868 ·
The graduate with a science degree asks,
'Why does it work?'

The graduate with an engineering degree asks,
'How does it work?'

The graduate with an accounting degree asks,
'How much will it cost?'

The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks,
'Do you want fries with that?'
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,967 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6,869 ·
A man was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the life imprisonment. His brother found out that an Irish man was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the Irish man that he would be paid £10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the Irish man's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the £10,000.
The Irish man replied, "It wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him off."
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,967 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6,870 ·
Boy Scouts from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten. Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and said to his friend,

"We might as well give up. They are coming after us with flashlights."
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,967 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6,871 ·
The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order", make sure his Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.

"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.

His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my Mother-in-law".

Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?"

"Because it'll be the longest six months of my Life!"
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,967 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6,872 ·
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies...
... "You just happened to catch my eye
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,967 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6,873 ·
Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria.
"Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?" one asked.
"He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his co-worker replied.
"How was he going to do it?"
"He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from a Caddy and, well, you get the idea."
"So what did he end up with?"
"Ten years in prison."
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,967 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6,875 ·
"I heard you have been to Spain recently. Knowing you don't speak Spanish very well, did you face any difficulty?"

"None at all, however those who listened to me sure did."
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,967 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6,879 ·
What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common?

They are four ways you can lose your house!
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,967 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6,880 ·
Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with "I".

Little Johnny: I is...

Teacher: No, Little Johnny. Always say "I am."

Little Johnny: All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
 
6861 - 6880 of 6907 Posts
Top