A farmer, who went to a big city to see the sights, asked the hotel's clerk about the time of meals.
"Breakfast is served from 7 to 11, dinner from 12 to 3, and supper from 6 to 8," explained the clerk.
"Look here," inquired the farmer in surprise, "when am I going to get time to see the city?"
I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your stinking chain letters over the past years. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern……..
I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains and it eats the paint off of cars.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put “Under God” on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer use cancer causing deodorants even though I smell like a wet dog on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer have any sneakers — but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer use my cell phone because I could spontaneously combust at a gas station while refueling my car.
Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me! I will now return the favor.
If you DON'T send this e-mail to at least 5,000 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird will poop on your head at 5:00 PM tomorrow afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend of a…etc…
After the fire-truck arrived at a burning building in a small Spanish town, the firemen observed a man dressed in a matador's costume prancing around on the roof. Four of the firemen held a safety-net and urged him to escape from the burning building by jumping into the net. He refused and loudly proclaimed, "I'm Fearless Jose the bullfighter who fears nothing, not even fire."
The firemen begged and pleaded but to no avail. Jose kept prancing around while repeating the same phrase over and over until the firemen got really sick and tired of hearing it.
Finally, when the flames began to scorch him, Jose announced he had changed his mind, was ready to jump and then leaped off the rooftop.
As his body hurtled toward the safety-net, the four firemen shouted, "Ole!" and quickly moved it aside.
A kindergarten teacher at age 30 was talking to the children seated on the floor around her. She then removed her glasses to clean them.
"Wow, Miss Collins!" one child exclaimed. "You look really different without your glasses on!"
Another child piped up, "I bet she looks different when she takes her teeth out, too!"
One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.
Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.
"My wife," the man replied.
"I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?"
"My dog bit her and she died."
Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."
Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?"
A man walked into a restaurant with a full grown ostrich behind him, and ordered a hamburger, fries, and a coke.
Turning to the ostrich, he said, "how about you ?" The ostrich said, "I'll have the same."
The waitress brought the order, and said "That will be $9.40 please."
The man dug in his pocket and dumped a handfull of bills and coins on the counter.
The waitress counted it out, and was surprised it was the exact amount.
The following day, the man and ostrich returned, and the man ordered a Hamberger, fries, and a coke, and the ostrich said, "Make that two."
The waitress brought the order, and requested $9.40, and once again the man dug out a clump of bills and coins, which proved to be the exact amount.
Next day, the man and ostrich returned, and the waitress said, "The usual ?", to which the man replied, "No, this is Friday, so I will have a steak, medium well, a baked potato, and a salad." The ostrich says, "The same here."
The waitress brings the order, and says, "That will be $42.30." The man digs in his pocket and produces a wad of cash that counts out to be exactly $42.30.
Unable to hold her curiosity, the waitress asks, "How do you always bring out the exact amount ?"
The man explains how he bought an old house, and while cleaning out the attic, found this fancy old bottle. " I pulled the cork, and out came a genie, who thanked me for releasing him, and grated me two wishes."
"I thought about it, then asked that whenever I bought something, The exact amount needed would always be in my pocket."
The waitress said, "Wow, that was pretty clever." "Most people would have wished for a million dollars or something, and sooner or later, would be out of money, but you will always have whatever cash you need."
The man replied, "Yup, and it's there no matter if I buy a pack of gum, or a new Rolls Royce, the money is always in my pocket."
The waitress says, "OK, but whats with the ostrich ?"
The man looked at the ostrich and sighed, "Well, my second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who would always agree with everything I said."
NASA was interviewing professionals they were planning on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy would never return to Earth.
The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going.
"One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater -- Rice University."
The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question.
"Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.
After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends, farts, and says, "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound.
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