[Ex 49er]

Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, “That’s because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it." The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."

 

[Ex 49er]

A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life.
He said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age."
So the cowboy did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96.
When he died he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren
...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

 

[Ex 49er]

Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.

 

[Ex 49er]

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...

 

[Ex 49er]

I worry about the germs in the holes of bowling balls. Nobody cleans those holes. There are years of impacted pizza fingers in there. Taco fingers. Chicken fingers. I'm amazed those balls still have holes. Ever smell a bowling ball hole? You think the balls are knocking down the pins? You're wrong. The pins are passing out from the smell.

 

[Ex 49er]

The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-.
These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.

 

[Ex 49er]

The pretty lady at the DMV recommended to me that I sign up to be an organ donor....
That's when I realized she was a girl after my own heart!

 

[Ex 49er]

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line.
When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, 'You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus.' 'Forget the bonus,' the turkey said, 'All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?'

 

[Ex 49er]

A politician visited a reservation and gave a speech to a group of Native Americans. “I promise you better schools, hospitals and roads,” he said. The crowd shouted, “Hoya! Hoya!” “I promise to secure funds to build a casino on the reservation,” he said. The crowd again shouted, “Hoya! Hoya!” A few days later, the politician toured the reservation with the chief. As they were inspecting the cattle, the chief said, “Be careful not to step in the hoya.”

 

[Ex 49er]

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

 

[Ex 49er]

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. When we went to the fair last night it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

 

[Ex 49er]

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

 

[Ex 49er]

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquify your kidneys.

 

[Ex 49er]

A kangaroo mom with seven babies in her pouch told another kangaroo mom, "These sleepovers are killing me."

 

[Ex 49er]

A man calls a friend and says, "If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather, and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, do not do it! This is a scam!"
His friend replies, "I wish you had told me this yesterday!"

 

[Ex 49er]

As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself.
And Chuck Norris."

 

[Ex 49er]

Outer Space exists because it is afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.

 

[Loud Lyle]

 

[Ex 49er]

DO NOT wash your hair in the shower!!
It’s good to finally get a health warning that is useful!!!
THIS INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT. AN IMPORTANT WARNING TO US ALL!!!
I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body.
I don’t know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner! Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, “FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME.”
..
No wonder I have been gaining weight! So I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn Dishwashing Soap. It’s label reads, “DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.”
..
Problem solved!

 

[Ex 49er]

An elderly couple was watching television one evening. The wife said, "I am going to get a dish of ice cream now." Kindly, the husband offered to get the ice cream for his wife. "I'll write it down so you don't forget," she said.
"I won't forget," the old gent said. "But, I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it. So, I'll write it down," she replied.
"I will get you the ice cream. Don't you worry," replied the gentleman.
A few minutes later, the old man returned with bacon and eggs. His wife said, "See, I should have written it down because you forgot the toast."