[ncsHR2000]

When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" He received an A-plus for handing in a blank page with only his name at the top.

 

[Ex 49er]

When in a bar, you can order a drink called a "Chuck Norris".
It is also known as a "Bloody Mary", if your name happens to be Mary.

 

[ncsHR2000]

Chuck Norris doesn't fill out online forms because he doesn't "submit".

 

[Ex 49er]

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

 

[Ex 49er]

Ron, an elderly man in Australia, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond at the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

 

[Ex 49er]

Two Norwegians go to Collect Unemployment. Sven and Ole worked together in a Minnesota factory.....and both were laid off. So...dey vent to der Unemployment Office togedder. Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto da ladies cotton panties." The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave Ole $300 a week in unemployment compensation. Sven, when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel Fitter". The clerk looked up Diesel Fitter...and it was classified as skilled. So, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week in unemployment compensation. When Ole found this out, he was yus furious! He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his benefits. The clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled labor and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor." "Vat skill ? yelled Ole. "I sew da elastic on da panties. Sven puts dem over his head and says, "Yah,... Diesel Fitter".

 

[Lt. Dave]

Yaa, dats a gud un.

 

[Ex 49er]

I almost had a psychic girlfriend...
But she left me before we met.

 

[Ex 49er]

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"

 

[RELLIS98765]

he is a pig too

 

[RELLIS98765]

An old German Shepherd dog starts chasing rabbits and, before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.[/color]
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!"[/color]
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.[/color]
Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that
conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear the old German Shepherd says...
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Smart dog

 

[RELLIS98765]

My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, "come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an "***." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires. So Chris (my wife) called him a "shithead." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We always look for cars with Hillary 2016 stickers.[/color]
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It’s so important at our age!!

never underestimate the elderly

 

[RELLIS98765]

A bus breaks down in the desert, a Mexican, an Arab, and a biker agree to try to.walk out and get help. They take a gallon each of water and the next day at noon they are out and starting to feel it when the stumble across an oil lamp.the Arab says I know what this is, if we rub it a genie will come out and give us 3 wishes. We can have one apiece. So they rub the lamp, and sure enough out pops a genie, the Arab says since I knew what it was, I go first. He tells the genie hat be wants a giant wall around the entire middle eastvwhere all Muslims can live without any interference from the infidels. Poof!!! He dissapears.the biker says to the Mexican you go next, the Mexican says he wants to be out of this desert, and he, the biker and all the passengers on the bus to be safe and sound in the nearest town. POOF!!! There they all are safe and sound. Now the biker asks the genie, about this wall, is it totally solid around the entire middle east? Yes. Is it taller than the highest mountain inside the wall? Yes. Then the biker says, fill it with water.

works for me

 

[Ex 49er]

Buckwheat of the Little Rascals fame grew up, became a Muslim, and changed
his name. He now goes by Kareem of Wheat.

 

[Ex 49er]

Imagine being completely naked in room full of people who speak a different language and everyone wants to touch you... This is the life of a dog.

 

[Ex 49er]

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark,
but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

 

[ncsHR2000]

The Dead Sea was once alive till Chuck Norris swam in it.

 

[RELLIS98765]

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
“Yes, sir," the clerk replied.
"That's good," the boss said.
"After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

Caught again

 

[RELLIS98765]

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

Lesson learned

 

[Ex 49er]

At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas.
After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.
“Say, is this really a healthy place?”

“It sure is,” the man replied. “When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed.”

“That's wonderful!” said Bill. “How long have you been here?”

“I was born here.”