For a little person with a barbecue, the steaks are always high.
Laugh for the day.
Laugh of the day
A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Johnny what his problem was he replied, "I'm too smart for the first grade, my sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than her too." The teacher took him to the principal's office and explained the situation to the principal. The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test, and if he failed to answer one question he would have to go back to the first grade and be quiet. The teacher and Johnny both agreed. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Johnny: "9." Principal: "6 x 6?" Johnny: "36." And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every question a third grader should know. Finally after about an hour he told the teacher "I see no reason Johnny can't go to the third grade, he answered all of my questions right." The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Johnny agree.[/color]
Teacher: "What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?"[/color]Johnny: "Legs" Teacher: "What do you have in your pants that I don't have?" The principal gasps but before he can stop him from answering Johnny says, "Pockets." Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" [/color]Johnny: "Pants." Teacher: "What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?" [/color]Johnny: "Firetruck."[/color] The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, [/color]I got the last 4 questions wrong myself.[/color]
A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Johnny what his problem was he replied, "I'm too smart for the first grade, my sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than her too." The teacher took him to the principal's office and explained the situation to the principal. The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test, and if he failed to answer one question he would have to go back to the first grade and be quiet. The teacher and Johnny both agreed. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Johnny: "9." Principal: "6 x 6?" Johnny: "36." And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every question a third grader should know. Finally after about an hour he told the teacher "I see no reason Johnny can't go to the third grade, he answered all of my questions right." The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Johnny agree.[/color]
Teacher: "What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?"[/color]Johnny: "Legs" Teacher: "What do you have in your pants that I don't have?" The principal gasps but before he can stop him from answering Johnny says, "Pockets." Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" [/color]Johnny: "Pants." Teacher: "What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?" [/color]Johnny: "Firetruck."[/color] The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, [/color]I got the last 4 questions wrong myself.[/color]
7661 - 7680 of 7741 Posts
Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.
Once upon a time Nasa decided to send three astronauts to space for 2 years.
NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each.
The first astronaut decided to take along his wife, the second decided to take along books to learn how to speak German, while the third astronaut decided to take along cigarettes.
Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home.
First came the first astronaut and his wife and each of them had a baby in their arms.
Next, out came the second astronaut speaking fluent German.
They both gave their speeches and got a rousing applause.
Suddenly out came the third astronaut with a cigarette in his mouth.
He walked up to the podium and snarled to the crowd and asked, 'Has anyone got a freaking match?'
NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each.
The first astronaut decided to take along his wife, the second decided to take along books to learn how to speak German, while the third astronaut decided to take along cigarettes.
Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home.
First came the first astronaut and his wife and each of them had a baby in their arms.
Next, out came the second astronaut speaking fluent German.
They both gave their speeches and got a rousing applause.
Suddenly out came the third astronaut with a cigarette in his mouth.
He walked up to the podium and snarled to the crowd and asked, 'Has anyone got a freaking match?'
FAMILY TREE OF VINCENT VAN GOGH
His dizzy aunt ------------------------------------------------ Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store----- Stop'N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ---------------------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother --------- Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach -------------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle -------------------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ---------------- Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ------------------------------------ Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco -------------- ------------------------- Go Gogh
The brother with low back pain-----------------------Lum Bay Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh
His dizzy aunt ------------------------------------------------ Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store----- Stop'N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ---------------------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother --------- Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach -------------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle -------------------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ---------------- Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ------------------------------------ Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco -------------- ------------------------- Go Gogh
The brother with low back pain-----------------------Lum Bay Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh
A blonde is speaking to a psychiatrist.
Blonde, "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."
Psychiatrist, "Don't you have a phone in your car?"
Blonde, "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."
Psychiatrist, "Uh ... How's that working?"
Blonde, "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."
Psychiatrist, "And why do you think that is?"
Blonde, "I figured it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."
Blonde, "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."
Psychiatrist, "Don't you have a phone in your car?"
Blonde, "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."
Psychiatrist, "Uh ... How's that working?"
Blonde, "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."
Psychiatrist, "And why do you think that is?"
Blonde, "I figured it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."
Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box, opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house.
A little later he came out again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house he went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, the neighbor came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by his neighbors actions the man asked, "Is something wrong?"
To which the neighbor (who was not very computer savvy) replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"
A little later he came out again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house he went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, the neighbor came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by his neighbors actions the man asked, "Is something wrong?"
To which the neighbor (who was not very computer savvy) replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"
Me: "I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes."
Friend: "How?"
Me: "I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven."
Friend: "How?"
Me: "I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven."
'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward Heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without You, we are but dust...'
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?
A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."
"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.
"I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."
"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.
"I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."
A film crew is on location in Kenya, when a tribal shaman approaches the director and says, "Tomorrow rain." The director pays no attention, but the following day it pours and shooting has to be delayed.
That night, the director sends his assistant to bring the shaman back. "What will be the weather tomorrow?" asks the director.
"Bigger rain tomorrow, much wind," and sure enough a terrible storm once again delays the filming.
But then the witch doctor disappears for a week and the director, now depending on him, sends his people out to find him and bring him back to camp.
Finally, he is located and brought to the director's tent. "What will be the weather tomorrow?" asks the director in desperation.
"No idea," says the shaman, "Radio batteries dead."
That night, the director sends his assistant to bring the shaman back. "What will be the weather tomorrow?" asks the director.
"Bigger rain tomorrow, much wind," and sure enough a terrible storm once again delays the filming.
But then the witch doctor disappears for a week and the director, now depending on him, sends his people out to find him and bring him back to camp.
Finally, he is located and brought to the director's tent. "What will be the weather tomorrow?" asks the director in desperation.
"No idea," says the shaman, "Radio batteries dead."
"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie.
It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
Police officer pulled this guy over for speeding and told him that his eyes were bloodshot, and asked him if he'd been drinking. The guy said "Your eyes are glazed, have you been eating donuts?"
Once, there was a middle-aged man named Herman who decided to try a different golf course than his usual.
On the second hole he met up with another man, named Elmer, so they decided to golf together.
As they were teeing off on the 6th hole, a gorgeous naked woman runs past, followed by two men in white coats.
Herman looks in awe at the woman, and a few seconds later another man in a white coat runs by holding two buckets of sand.
Herman then asks Elmer, "What the heIl was that?" to which Elmer replies, "There is a mental institution down the street and every day,
that woman tries to escape. The men in the white coats are the ones trying to catch her.
The person who catches her gets to carry her back."
Herman thought for a moment then said, "OK, but who was the man holding the sand buckets?"
Elmer answered, "He caught her yesterday, the sand is his handicap."
On the second hole he met up with another man, named Elmer, so they decided to golf together.
As they were teeing off on the 6th hole, a gorgeous naked woman runs past, followed by two men in white coats.
Herman looks in awe at the woman, and a few seconds later another man in a white coat runs by holding two buckets of sand.
Herman then asks Elmer, "What the heIl was that?" to which Elmer replies, "There is a mental institution down the street and every day,
that woman tries to escape. The men in the white coats are the ones trying to catch her.
The person who catches her gets to carry her back."
Herman thought for a moment then said, "OK, but who was the man holding the sand buckets?"
Elmer answered, "He caught her yesterday, the sand is his handicap."
Just find a good deer trail and drop a few rasinetts on the ground. Call your friends over and ask them if the tracks are a buck or a doe. Point out the fake droppings, scoop up the fake poop, smell it and proclaim," Yep, that smells like a buck"! Then pop it into your mouth.
A little lemonade mix in the snow works well to!
Have fun and good hunting!
A little lemonade mix in the snow works well to!
Have fun and good hunting!
A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper. The headline shouted, "12 Brazillian Soldiers Killed."
She shook her head at the sad news, then she turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked, "How many is a Brazillian?"
She shook her head at the sad news, then she turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked, "How many is a Brazillian?"
A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you."
"Oh, great," he said, "What is it?"
"It's called the door!"
"Oh, great," he said, "What is it?"
"It's called the door!"
It’s been raining for days now and my husband seems very depressed by it...
He keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let him in.
He keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let him in.
Q: When is a knot not a knot?
A: When it’s not.
A: When it’s not.
7661 - 7680 of 7741 Posts
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