Laugh for the day.

After 37 years of marriage, Jake dumped his wife for his young secretary.
His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith’s multi-million dollar home. Since Jake had better lawyers, he prevailed. He gave Edith, his now ex-wife, just 3 days to move out.
She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes and crates.
On the 2nd day, she had two movers come and collect her things.
On the 3rd day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eared shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When Jake returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything- cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Edith called Jake and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were the sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later, Jake and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...
Including the curtain rods.

A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage.
The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old codger outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy...........
"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"
"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.
Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."
"Is that right?" replied the manager, "My wife is from New Zealand!"
"Really?" replied the boy, "Who did she play for?"

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida . Now they live in a tin box that has wheels, but its strapped to the ground. They ride around on their bicycles, and wear name tags, because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wreck center but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all just jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape.
Sometimes they sneak out and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night - early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself
and the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you. So,
what do you do? You opt for MedicarePart G.
The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (PartG) and one bullet. You are
allowed to shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to
prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a
roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a
library, and all the Health Care you need. Need new teeth? No problem.Need
glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex
change, or heart? They are all covered!
As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they
do now! And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that
just told you they can't afford for you to go into a nursing home. And you
will get rid of useless politicians while you are at it. And now, because
you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!
Is this a great country or what? Now that you have solved your senior
financial plan, enjoy the rest of your week!