Laugh for the day.

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table , asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand) , so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for awhile, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

Yesterday, I wore my Vietnam Veterans cap when I went to Walmart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but, since I retired trips to Wally World to look at the "Walmartians" is always good for some comic release. Besides I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent this establishment.
But, I digress...enough of my psychological fixations.
While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Vietnam Vet?"
"No," I replied.
"Then why are you wearing that cap?"
"Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812." I thought this was a snappy retort.
"The War of 1812, huh?" the "Walmartian" queried, "When was that?"
God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity."1936," I answered, as straight-faced as possible.
He pondered my response for a moment and then asked, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?"
"It was a Black Operation. No one is supposed to know about it." This was beginning to be way too much fun!
"Dude! Really?" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"
I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy, and in a low voice said. "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."
"Dude," he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, "that is seriously awesome! But, didn't you kind of standout?"
"Not really. The other guys were all wearing white camouflage."
The moron nodded knowingly.
"Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still 'top secret' and I shouldn't have said anything."
"Oh yeah?" he gave me that, 'don't threaten me look.' "Like, what's gonna happen if I do?"
With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them, would we?"
The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack, she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.
After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw the Dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction.
Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the 'I see you' gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped into the car and sped out of the parking lot in a flurry of dust.
What a great time I had!
Tomorrow I'm going back with my Homeland Security cap.
Then the next day I will go to the DMV so I can wear a Border Patrol hat, and see how long it takes to empty out the place.
Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of cap!

WOMEN
Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.

Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.

Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals.

They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.

MEN

Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing spiders.

There was a little boy in kindergarten. At the end of one cold winter day, when all the other children were leaving, the teacher found him crying, so she asked him what was wrong.

He sobbed, "I can't find my boots."

The teacher looked around the classroom and saw a pair of boots. "Are these yours?"

"No, they're not mine," said the little boy, shaking his head.

The teacher and the boy searched all over the classroom for his boots.

Finally, the teacher gave up, "Are you SURE those boots are not yours?"

"I'm sure," the boy sobbed, "mine had snow on them."

So one day a man is driving along in his car, and he gets a flat tire. Now, luckily, he gets the flat right in front of a farm. So he gets out of his car, walks over to the farmhouse, knocks on the door, and the farmer steps out. Now, the man starts talking to him about his flat tire, but he can't help but look over at the fields and see a three-legged pig. So he finishes up telling the farmer about his flat tire and he says: "Oh, by the way, how'd that pig over there lose its leg?"
The farmer says, "that pig, over there?"
"Yep."
"In the fields?"
"Mhm."
"With three legs?"
"Uh-huh."
"Why," the farmer announces, "that there's a hero pig! Yessir, that pig saved my life. You see, one day in the winter I was out fishing in the pond, when I fell right through the ice! And that pig comes rushing down the hill, dives right into the freezing water, and drags me out. Saved my life."
"Wow," the man says, "what a brave pig to dive into that water, save your life, and lose a leg in the process!"
"What?" says the farmer, "no, no, no, that's not how he lost his leg!"
"Then how'd the pig lose its leg?"
"You mean that old pig?"
"Uh, yeah."
"That one grazing over there?"
"Yep."
"The one I just told you about?"
"That's the one."
"Why, that pig's a hero pig, I tell ya! Saved my life! Y'see, one day the chicken coop caught on fire, and that there hero pig bolted in, pulled me out, pulled the chickens out, and by God he saved all the eggs, too."
"Man, that pig really is a hero, to save you, the chickens, the eggs, and lose a leg while doing so."
"Pfft, that ain't how it lost its leg."
"Then how'd that pig lose its leg?"
"That one?"
"Yeah, yeah."
"The one with one missing leg?"
"Yeah, that's the one."
"The one you're pointing to?"
"That's the one."
"Why, that there pig's a hero pig! One day two robbers broke into my house and stuck my wife and I up! And just as they were about to pull the trigger to shoot us, by God that pig came barreling in, knocked the gun away, and bit the fiends until they were off the farm!"
"My God, that is a truly brave, noble, and heroic pig, to save you and your wife and get its leg shot off in the process."
"That ain't the way it lost its leg!"
"Oh, come on! It dragged you out of a pond, saved you from a fire, chased away your would-be killers, how on Earth did that pig lose its leg?"
"Oh, you mean that pig?"
"Yes, that pig."
"That one over there?"
"Yup."
"You sure?"
"Yes, yes."
"Well, you see, a pig that good, you can't eat all at once."

A snail goes into a car dealership. She asks the salesperson if they sell red convertibles. The salesperson answers, “Yes. But do you have a proper license, and the money to pay for the car?” The snail replies, “Yes, I’ve got both. The thing is, I’ll only buy the car on one condition—that you have a big S painted on the sides of the car.” The salesperson thinks about that for a moment. It seems odd to him, but it isn’t every day that he sells an expensive convertible, so he agrees. A few weeks later, the car is all ready and the salesperson calls the snail to tell her she can come pick it up. The snail is really pleased with her car and thanks him. The salesperson is still wondering about the reason for the big S on the car and asks, “So why did you want an S painted on the sides of the car?” The snail replies, “When I drive by, I want everyone to say, ‘Look at that S car go!’”