I had my first blackpowder pistol competition in September and have been wanting to tell someone about it. It was at the Jesse James Farm in Kearney Missouri. This is how I remember it.
5:40. a.m. Alarm goes off, God it is early. Can't believe I am getting up to do this on my day off, especially after we went to Starlight last night to see Les Miserable.
5:45 I drag myself to the bathroom.
6:00 I emerge from the shower a new man! I am ready to kick some Yankee behind! I admire myself in the fogged mirror. I run my fingers through my thinning hair. Slightly depressed, turn and look at my back.(the place to which my hair has unceremoniously retreated). Laughing, I run my fingers through my back hair! I am a Missouri Gorilla! Yankee Carpetbaggers better watch out!
6:01 I brush my teeth and then look at the deodorant. Laughing I toss it aside, Jesse James never used arid. I set it next to the baby powder, a real man needs none of these things!
6:05 I prepare my morning coffee. I contemplate the possibility of chewing the beans myself and gargling with boiling water. I opt for an espresso as a cappuccino seems a little sissy.
6:15 I sit down with a breakfast egg white burrito and espresso. I convince myself Jesse James would have used demitasse cups had they been available. Also, Jesse didn't need to fit into the clothes I just bought. Egg whites justified.
6:30 I get dressed. Stifle a scream as I have suspenders to tight(MAJOR WEDGY!).
6:31 Suspenders eased down, disaster averted. I continue on. I look at my arch supports and opt for the boots alone.
6:40 Completely dressed, I return to the bedroom to wake up to my wife. I give her a big "Howdy Mam!". I seem to have interrupted a religious moment as all she says is Oh MY God!, over and over again. I pause and she says lets get this over with. We go to the living room and she takes my picture. I tip my hat and giver her a kiss. She replies with have fun and be careful. She does so quietly, but seems to return to her conversation with God as I leave.
6:41 I load the truck and am off. I hear the whistle of a train. I contemplate a quick robbery, but figure there is nothing on it but cars and grain. I drive to the bank. I pull up to the ATM to get money for my entry fee. I pull my bandana over my face and wave my colt at the machine. "Give me your money!" I giggle at my wit as I enter my PIN and withdraw the cash.
6:55 I am on the interstate and off. I begin to play some music to get me in the mood. I listen to Copperhead Road, Cumberland Mountain Number Nine, the Souths Going to do it again. I have to pull over as I hurt myself singing along with Maria. I put in Copperhead Road again and am off.
7:40 I arrive at Jesse James Farm. There appears to be an early morning 10K race going on. The people look at me strange, so I fire off a few shots. Yankee joggers run like the devil was behind them. Laughing I realize I am the first one there.
7:45 Uniformed men arrive, looking for a madman shooting at runners. I pick up a number someone dropped and jog by in my boots, laughing at the stupid Pinkertons.
7:55 People arrive.
8:20 More people arrive. Rules are handed out along with tiny tiny targets!
8:45 Everyone loves my ivory handle for the Colt.
9:00 Rules read out, and the shoot begins.
9:10 I am loaded and ready to take my turn. Man arrives from Kearney to say three people have unofficially broken the world 10K record. Unofficially it seems as none stopped running after crossing the finish line. I laugh to myself, so much so, my first six shots are a wee bit off.
9:30 Loaded again. I score a few points. Dang, it is warmer today than I thought it would be.
9:50 Loaded once more. Have to shoot some silhouettes. They are wood peckers. Tiny is what they are!
10:20 Still grumbling about those dang birds, I am ready for more humilation. Shooting out the simulated candle. Mind you, 10 points off if you hit the candle. As high as I shot, I hope we were in a no fly zone! Really starting to sweat, and man are thes boots starting to hurt my feet.
10:50 Loaded for the last round. Shoot the spade out of an ace of spades. Are they freakin nuts! Where are the pictures of Grant, Lincoln! Big heads! My card was still available for use after my round. Pants are really starting to chafe!
11:30 Scores announced. Same Yankee won the cartridge and cap and ball tournement. He scored in the 90s I scored in the middle range of 37. I was happy, but I think I will have to stay upwind of anyone in the photo, I smell like a goat. Feet hurt like blazes!
12:00 After a group photo, I limp off to the truck. I am off for home. Found no one willing to go an rob a train with me. On the way home, I hear on the radio of some lunatic trying to rob ATM machines at gun point. Oh I long for the simpler days.